When I first became “stepmom” to my then two small stepchildren, I seemed to sacrifice a lot of time. Time was, and still is, a valuable commodity in our busy household. One of the biggest time stealers was getting organized in order to run our blended family home smoother. I wasn’t a single mom anymore with a tidy, small home in the city, I was stepmom to two and mom to one and mate to my darling in a large rambling multi-level home in the country. Multiply the mess by three! Multiply cooking by three, chaos by three, etc… Suddenly, I had no time for ~me~. Slowly, I learned how to recoup some of that time by backing off and having my hubby do at least half of the things that needed to be done. Ahhhh… relief. So, in reality, I didn’t have to sacrifice *all* of my time, but I did realize that I would have to sacrifice *some* on a regular basis. I could not be “super stepmom”. It wasn’t possible.

Emotional Energy

As a stepmom, you can and probably will expend a lot of emotional energy. Whether it pertains to your stepchildren, the first wife, financial issues, “blended” issues, in-laws, etc… You will find yourself living a complicated life. Stepparenting is very complicated. Finding where *you* fit in to this life, is exhausting. Once you’ve found out where you fit in, and you are happy with it, it’s worth it. You have overcome one of the biggest hurdles stepmoms face. Bravo! Try not to involve yourself in too many issues surrounding the first family, your in-laws or “the ex”. Sometimes it is best to step back and allow them to battle it out. Don’t allow a lot of negative energy into your mind and soul. This is one of the most difficult things a stepmom can accomplish. Stepping back can also be called “detachment”. The trick is to find out what issues to detach from, you detach from issues, not people. If you can do this, you are certainly well on your way to success as a stepmom.

Physical Energy

Physical energy is also another sacrifice, especially for stepmoms with younger children. There may be times when you are the “soccer stepmom”, when you have to escort the children to the doctor or the dentist. If you are a stay at home stepmom, you probably have a lot of responsibility when it comes to housework. Housework is a very demanding physical activity! If you have help from the children and your husband, you are in luck.

Money

There are stepmoms who sacrifice finances/income to be a stepmom. There are stepmoms who actually contribute to child support, child support for children that they did not bring into this world. My hat is definitely off to stepmoms such as these. Of course, if you bring in any kind of an income, you probably help out within the family with expenses. Expenses incurred by a blended family can be exorbitant, especially if you have custody of your stepchildren. Do not sacrifice al of your income, you will probably become resentful if you do. Sacrificing income is a very sensitive subject for many stepmoms.

Space

If you were like me, you started out as a single mom of one child and you had your life “just so”. You rose bushes were pruned regularly, your house was very clean, your lawn was gorgeous and you had more physical space than you might now. This was a big thing for me to overcome. It seemed as though I was swarmed by my stepchildren, I needed ~space~, space to digest the situation and space to figure out just how I was going to make this work. I really needed a “place” of my own. I didn’t need my house back, but I did need a place to go to when I became overwhelmed. So, my husband converted his/our storage room upstairs into a beautiful sewing room, complete with tables, shelving, etc.. That room was my sanity saver for quite a while. Please try to make sure that you don’t have to sacrifice personal, physical space. A cornered/suffocated/ stepmom, is not a happy one. Put a lock on your bedroom door!

Wants

More things I had to sacrifice were “wants”. Now that we were a completely blended family, we had to be careful about money, and how it was spent. My “wants” list had to be pushed aside for a long time. I “want” a bigger house, I “want” a great big office, I “want” a diamond tennis bracelet every year, but the reality fairy tells me this isn’t possible right now while living in our stepfamily. These things, are okay to sacrifice if *you* are okay with it. If you are not okay sacrificing material things, you have to make some changes, and fast. You might even have to make some big life choices that can affect your family dramatically. Be honest with yourself.

First Experiences

One of the most important things that I had to sacrifice was the idea of the “first experiences”. Naturally, if you are a stepmom, your husband has already been through the “baby stage”, the “first house stage”, the “gala wedding” stage etc… This can be quite disconcerting to even the most well adjusted stepmom/second wife. There are some women who feel as though these experiences have actually been stolen from them and feel resentful. I feel this is a normal emotion, and usually, with good communication and a new perspective, you can overcome it. Every experience is new, and it is to be cherished no matter how many times either of you have done it before. The birth of my second son, with my now husband, was actually “a first” for me and for us. It all depends on how you are willing to perceive the experience and your life.

As you can see, there are many sacrifices for stepmoms and second wives. I made most of them. Some are healthy sacrifices and some are not. You must be in great mental and emotional shape to take on the role of stepmom and second wife. If you are not in tip top shape, your relationships, your marriage and your family will suffer, and so will you. Take your time, be objective, don’t give too much of yourself right away, and most of all, take time to be you.

When a child’s dopamine and norepinephrine levels are abnormal, they have ADHD. These abnormal levels can be caused by both environmental and biological factors.

Factors that can cause ADHD are: prenatal exposure to tobacco smoke, whether by the mother or surrounding smokers, premature birth, lead poisoning, a mother using drugs and alcohol, malnutrition, low iron or high blood lead in early development stages. If the child has had a serious brain infection or brain trauma, these can be causes as well.

ADHD can be treated with medication that controls symptoms. The most common medications are methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta), dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine), pemoline (Cylert), atomoxetine (Strattera) and Adderall- which a combination drug. The effects of these drugs are seen in the patient’s increased attention and focus or concentration. A decrease in impulsive or hyperactive behavior can also be seen. These drugs should only be used with doctor’s advice and recommendation.

How can I help my child? Children with ADHD are in need for more structure and clearer expectations. The parents, teachers and doctors need to work as a team giving the child the best care. The family will benefit from talking with specialist in ADHD behavior and learning problems. Counseling or structured (behavioral) therapy will be helpful for some children. Talk with your doctor to come up with a suitable plan to help your child.

Your Child: “Barney!”

You: ” Yes. Barney the Dinosaur.”

Your Child: “Barney!”

You: “Yes! Barney is a dinosaur. Isn’t he silly?”

Your Child: “Barney!”

You: “Silly Barney! Can you say Silly Barney?”

Your Child: “Barney!”

You: “Good Boy!”

In fact, my wife and I were just discussing in the van how far our children have come when my oldest son interrupted me:

My Son: “Dad, I know the “F” word.”

Me: “You know what word?”

My Son: “The “F” word. You know…THE “F” WORD.”
–(Sound of tires screeching to a halt)–
Me: “Where did you learn that?”

My Son: “In school.”

Me: “Well, finally our education system has helped our kids be first in something. Stupid school.”

My Wife: “Honey, don’t blame the school. He probably learned it from his friends at recess.”

Me: “Stupid friends.”

My Wife: “Oh, honey…it’s not their fault either. They’re just repeating what they hear at home from their parents….Stupid Parents!”

The day was far from over. My son’s curiosity (which he got from his mother’s side) finally got the best of him.
My Son: “Dad, what does it mean.”

Me: “What?”

My Son: “You know. The “F” word. What does it mean?”

Me: “Nothing.”

My Son: “DAD! It’s a word. It has to mean something. Just tell me.”

Me: “It doesn’t mean anything. THAT’S why they made it into a swear word.”

My Son: “I also know the “A” word.”

Me: “Great.”

My Son: “And the “S” word.”

Me: “Mmm-hmm”

My Son: “Dad…”

Me: “What?”

My Son: “Are there any other words?”

Me: “Definitely not.”

My Son: “Is there a “B” word?”

Me: “No.”

My Son: “Is there a “C” word?”

Me: “Definitely not.”

My Son: “So I know all of them?”

Me: “Believe me son, you are way ahead of where I was at your age.” When things cool down over here, I’ll call the other parents and give them a piece of my mind. I guess I’ve got plenty of time to choose my words carefully.

1. Create a box of “goodies.” Find a small leftover container and fill it
with things you find around your house or at a craft store such as paper
clips, foam pieces that come in different colors and shapes, shiny things,
dull things, cotton balls, etc. Keep this container in your car so you are
always prepared, and the children don抰 get tired of playing with it. (If you
are really creative, you can decorate the container).

Take it into the restaurant and pull it out after you decide what you want
to order. Show them the contents and begin to ask questions. Can you
find the round things? How many blue objects can you find? Which
things go on a Christmas tree? Which things are soft? How many
squares can you find? Your imagination is your only limit. Kids love
digging through the container and exploring the objects.

2. Play a guessing game. Lay out a few different objects on the table.
These can be objects from the above container, or simple things from
your purse. You can even use the sugar packets, salt and pepper
shakers or whatever is on the table. Have your children study the
objects, and then close their eyes. When their eyes are shut, quickly slip
one of the objects away. Then see if they can figure out which one is
missing. This game not only entertains but helps children develop
memory and thinking skills.

3. Play “I spy” or other games. Many restaurants have interesting
decorations hanging around. A round of “I spy a cowboy hat,” or “I spy a
picture of someone riding a horse” can keep little ones entertained for a
few minutes. To help with math skills, practice counting that cereal you
carry around in a bag. Or help your children to begin recognizing
patterns by drawing a pattern of square, circle, square, circle, and then
have them figure out what shape comes next. For older children, you
can create longer, more difficult patterns. Of course, there抯 always the
perennial hangman and tic-tac-toe games that work for older children as
well.

4. Play with magnets. It抯 amazing how much fun a small magnet can be
to a young child. If you carry some paperclips along with it, the children
will be entertained for a long time. Have them experiment with what the
magnet sticks to. You can also use this with your goody container
above. Ask them to see what objects in your container the magnet will
pick up. Twist ties and clothes-pins usually work well.

5. Keep a book bag ready to go. If all else fails, usually a bag of books,
sticker books or other activity books will keep children occupied for quite
a few minutes. Keep it in your truck or in the back of your van. That way
each time you bring it out, it抯 new again.

With a little thought and preparation, meals out can be a fun family
experience.

The most important tip for surviving kids and winter is to make sure that everyone is dressed correctly for winter. While winter gear may seem expensive, it is possible to get what you need without spending a fortune. Places like TJMaxx, Marshalls, Target and other discount stores often carry the right materials. You just need to know what to look for.

First and foremost, you need gloves and a hat that are made from wind and waterproof or at least water resistant material. It is the wind that really makes you cold, so mittens and head gear that can help you keep out the breeze are really important.

Next, you need the proper footgear. Wool socks or some kind of material like cashmere or angora are much better than cotton, which does not wick away the moisture or keep you very warm for long periods of time.

Finally, you need the proper materials for layers. Everyone knows – layer, layer, layer, but with what? Start with a synthetic material that can wick the moisture off your skin rather than clinging to you as cotton does. A lot of shirts nowadays are a cotton blend, and this works well too. Next pull a mid-weight piece on like a fleece or wool sweater. On the bottom pull on a pair of long johns, which are usually already made from synthetics, and a pair of tights, jeans, or ski pants on top. Over all of this you can wear a long coat or at least one that covers your hips. This will provide the right balance of insulation and warmth that you need.

All of the above applies to small children, although most ski pants for kids are actually bib pants that come up over the shoulders. There are great because they provide just a little extra bit of protection.

2. Pick a Sport

Another key factor in having a great winter is to pick something you really like to do. Snowboarding, sledding, snowshoeing, skiing, hiking – there are actually a lot of things to do in winter. Snowshoeing, in fact, is one of the easiest to start out with. Encourage your child to do the same. Small children especially like sledding and skating, so you might want to spend a little money to get them the right equipment.

3. Know Your Area

Spend a day on the internet searching for indoor play places in your area. You may find that there are a lot more than you initially thought. A little time spent researching can come in really handy on a day when on one really wants to go outside. Be sure to note the hours of operation, rules (some of them, for instance, require everyone to wear socks), and cost. You’ll have a handy reference list just when you need it.

4. Rotate Toys

One of the best tricks for making winter days fly by indoors is to rotate toys. By dividing all the toys in the house into two or three piles, and putting either one half or two thirds of them away, you can make old toys seem new the next week when you pull them back out. This trick does not work as well with older kids, since they start to ask for specific toys, but for smaller children it is incredibly helpful.

5. Link Up

You may have a set of friends or regular playgroup already set up, but winter is an excellent time to reach out to new people or those you do not know as well and try to meet up. Offer to host an afternoon of fun, and be sure to have some kid-friendly snacks on hand. Make tea and cocoa for the adults. You may hit it off, you may not, but at least you did not watch TV all afternoon!

With a little creativity and effort, and by incorporating these suggestions into your daily routine, you can and your kids will soon find winter to be one of your favorite seasons!

By the way, one important thing爁or爌arents to remember is that sometimes when your child says “Leave me alone,” it’s appropriate.燢ids should have times when they have their own space. You can set a limit on that, but you shouldn’t overreact to requests for space or time alone. Don’t get stuck on your child’s tone unless they’re rude or demeaning.

Child: “Leave me alone!”

Translation: “I don’t want to talk to you about this/perform this task and I’m going to shut you down so I don’t have to.”

Ineffective response: “I will not leave you alone. I want your attention right now.”

Effective response #1: Again, if your child’s request is appropriate and they’re not being rude or demeaning, simply say, “Ok, we’ll talk later,” and walk away. Or better yet, set a time: “OK, we’ll talk at 7 o’clock.” Another way to handle it is by saying, “OK, when would you like to talk about this?”

Effective response #2: If it’s something where you can’t leave your child alone, simply say, “No, we have to address this now, then you can get back to what you were doing.” If it comes down to it, you can say something like, “OK, we don’t have to talk now, but there will be no more phone use until we do talk.”

Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your disrespectful teenagers is crucial to success.?It truly helps if you can remember back to when you were a teenager.?What did you expect out of life??What did you expect out of your parents??What was going on in your mind and heart??The ability to answer these questions of yourself places you in a much better position to relate to the underlining problems your teenager is experiencing.?The power of peer pressure for teenagers is incredible.?They have such a desire to be loved and appreciated.?They know their parents and siblings love them but they want to fit in with their peers as well.

The transformation from a helpless child to a responsible young adult is difficult to say the least. The desire to be independent and able to make their own decisions in life is strong and unrelenting.?Most teenagers just need a little space.?It is not uncommon for teenagers to feel that they are not understood or appreciated.?If they feel this way than they begin to develop a lack of self-confidence and this normally leads to becoming disrespectful teenagers.?Parents have to find a happy medium here.?If you are too hard on them they will feel smothered and the situation will worsen.?If you are too relaxed with them than they will have no guidelines to follow.?Build a relationship with your teenager that is based on honesty and trust.?Give them room to make decisions and learn from them.?/p>

There is no such thing as the perfect parent.?Parenting is different for everyone.?As a parent you have to set the example.?If you are hollering and cursing your spouse or children than you are saying it is okay for your teenager to do the same.?If you refuse to listen to your teenager and fail to show them any respect or love they will more than likely return the compassion.?As parents you know you are the boss and silently your disrespectful teenagers know this as well.?However, if you want your teenager to open up to you and share their thoughts and feelings it is important that they know you will react with care and mutual respect for their feelings.?Disrespectful teenagers are typically only going through a phase.?Correct them in the right way build that bond and these same teenagers will grow to be responsible citizens you can be proud of.

The safest way to protect yourself and the ones you love is by education and at an early age. Children learn by example, so choose to be a good role model. There is no better lesson than tolerance.

Even with the best guidance and direction, your child may still fall victim to bullying behavior. The old proverb, “an eye for an eye,” may be tempting but almost always leads to accelerated aggression and actions.

Teach your child to tell someone. A teacher, parent, mentor, family member etc. These are the people closest in your child’s life and with the authority and ability to end such behavior.

Encourage your child to express themselves in writing, drawing, dance or any activity that encourages self esteem and self expression.

Suggest any kind of team activity. This will surround your child with others with similar interests and create a common bond and team spirit attitude.

Practice good communication skills and promote empathy and understanding.

When faced with this problem, stress the fact that the deficiency lies in their aggressor and not within. This is a good time for the simple reminder that their tormentor is most likely an unhappy or troubled person and to understand that is not a lack in their own self for the attack but rather that of the bully.

Surround your child with positive people and positive things. Whatever form that may take for each individual.

Push for education on this topic in the classroom and suggest a classroom or school wide campaign on anti-bullying. Let the students get creative and create their own sayings, slogans or logos. This is a fun and non-obtrusive way of making bullying “uncool” and letting the children take charge of their own personal growth and safety.

Remember,
Change Starts Within.

Copyright November 6/09

I was busy painting the backyard fence, when their ten-year old son came out with the vacuum cleaner. He opened the front panel, removed the bag, and put it in the bin. Then he took a replacement bag, fitted it, and went back indoors – probably to get on with the vacuum cleaning!

Fifteen minutes later he came out with a large plastic rubbish bag and put it in the bin too. The young kid was at ease with his chores. He was his usual pleasant self and there was no sign of moodiness or resentment.

Clearly his parents had taught their kids in a way which – I have to admit!- my wife and I didn’t teach ours.

When our family was growing we tended to do most of the chores ourselves. We were keen – well, my wife was keen! – to ensure that we shared the chores as a couple.

This approach backfired as the kids were growing. Since there was no clearly defined ‘chore chart’ and since requests for their help were only made occasionally, there was a certain reluctance most of the time.

Even today there can be the odd dispute about who should walk the dog – and loading the dishwasher, it seems, is one of life’s mysteries revealed only to parents.

So here’s my advice:

Don’t do what we did!

Be like our neighbors and start them young. Bring them up to realize that if you live in a home, you contribute to the home. If they grow into this routine, there’s unlikely to be resentment or ill-feeling – provided the chores are allocated fairly, of course.

What about parents whose older kids have got off lightly?

Well, you could continue to slave after your charges – but why not start a new regime?

One approach often suggested is that you appeal to the teenager’s sense of duty, highlighting their obligations to themselves and others.

But psychologists tell us that approach is the LEAST likely to work with teens.

It’s a fact of human nature that people tend to respond more when there’s a clear benefit for themselves.

So why not stress the benefits of getting involved in the household chores? Help them see it as an opportunity to develop confidence and independence. When they go off to college or move into a flat or apartment, how are they going to feel if they can’t cope?

How are they going to look in front of friends if they can’t cook, can’t wash and iron their clothes, and can’t tidy up after themselves? If they learn these skills, they won’t be stranded!

If your kids are coming to household chores after years of having things done for them, you may need to use a reward system to help them over their inertia. No, not gold stars and trips to the zoo!

Rather, ‘Mow the lawn and you can have the car on Friday night,’ or, ‘Let’s see what you can do around the house and we’ll review your allowance.’

And remember to show them HOW it’s done. You may want to consider working with them the first few times, especially if it’s a task they’ve never attempted before.

This approach has worked well for my wife and I, who are late-starters in the ‘chores for kids’ stakes.

Remember, if things are done out of a sense of ‘duty’, people tend to be ambivalent. On the one hand they may feel obliged to get on with it, but on the other they may resent it – and that builds up ill-feeling.

Use rewards by all means, but it’s better, I think, to help our kids realize that doing the chores is part of their development. That way they’re more likely to do them willingly.

This may be a tad idealistic, but this approach, when blended with an attractive reward, can lead to a well- deserved, easier life for hard-pressed parents.

Happy parenting!

This is where family intervention comes in. Family intervention can take many forms. Maybe mom and dad just need to read a couple of parenting and relationship books that will really help them understand how they can improve the boundaries in their home and their relationships with and between their children. It could also look like a trusted friend or pastor coming into the home and talking to the family as a whole about their dynamic and what could be changed or improved. In its most drastic form, family intervention involves professional family counseling in which the entire family sees a counselor separately and together.

You may think that this is just an attempt to blame a child’s choices on the parent’s prior decision, but that’s not the case at all. The truth is that both factors are at work in a troubled youth’s life. Maybe his parents don’t really know how to listen to him, so he feels misunderstood and lashes out by picking fights and making rash decisions. Now, his choices are still his own choices, and he’s old enough to know better, but, on the other hand, if his parents learn how to really listen, they might alleviate some of the emotional pressure that is causing him to act out, solving the problem before it reaches the next stage of escalation.

Some youth workers and counselors think family intervention is so important, in fact, that they require it of the families who enroll children in their residential treatment facilities for troubled youth. If parents want their children to complete the program, they, too, must work to fix the problems at home that might be causing some of the child’s pain and frustration. Family intervention can improve the family dynamic even in divorced or separated families, teaching parents to work as a team to understand their child and to build her up instead of tearing her down.

So if your son or daughter is struggling with problems that go above and beyond normal teenage angst, consider seeing a family therapist who may be able to give you insight into how your family can change to help your teenager through the roughest years of his or her life. It might just be the best parenting decision you ever make.