Like most parents, I want my sons to grow up to pursue their own interests without being limited by societys gender stereotypes.
I thought I was doing a fine job. My husband and I strive to create an egalitarian?marriage: we both have our time for work and time for spending with the boys. I expose my sons to gender-boundary-stretching toys (such as dolls, weaving kits, and jump ropes), and to books featuring girl heroines. When my older son, as a four-year-old, wanted to try on his best friends dress, I didnt bat an eye.
However, I recently read some books which made me realize I could be doing better. A number of books have come out within the past several years showing how difficult it can be for a boy to express his emotions, because of the stereotype that virtually prohibits a real man?from even knowing what he feels, let alone expressing it.
When boys dont know how to express their emotions, this can lead to serious problems, such as learning difficulties, violent behavior, depression and suicide.
About a year ago, when my older son was six, I was at his school to pick him up, and he ran into the building trying to hold back his tears. Whats wrong??I asked. He shook his head. Nothing.?The next minute, his friend ran in and told me breathlessly that a 10-year-old boy had pinned my son to the ground and wouldnt let him up. My sons friend was outraged and he told the story to a teacher, who went out to speak to the older boy. All this time, my son kept insisting that he was fine and that nothing was wrong, even though I could see he was trying hard not to cry.
I thought, how could my son be learning to hide his feelings already? Hes only six. Hes seen his father cry on occasion. And even his friend is upset by the situation! Still, my little boy had learned that he needed to stifle his emotions.
I realized that I had to try even harder to help my sons express their emotions. In his book Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, psychologist William Pollack discusses the persistence and strength of the boy code,?as he calls the gender stereotyping. Pollack reports that even young boys know that they must act real tough?and not show their feelings?in order to fit in with the crowd.
One important point in the book surprised me a little. Pollack stresses that mothers should stay strongly connected to their sons. I would have thought that fathers were more important than mothers in terms of helping sons navigate through the boy code,?but Pollack feels that mothers and fathers are equally important. Boys benefit tremendously from the love of their mothers,?Pollack writes. A loving mother actually plays an integral role in helping a boy develop his masculinity ?the self-esteem and strength of character he needs to feel confident in his own masculine self.?/p>
I realized that I had been, almost unconsciously, pulling away emotionally from my older son. This was partly because I was more occupied with his little brother, and partly because it seemed that my older one didnt need?me as much. After all, he didnt like me to kiss and hug him. He didnt really seem to even want to talk very much.
I resolved to try to show my older son physical affection and attention in other ways. I discovered that he still enjoys backrubs! He also enjoys sitting near me and reading, and having me read to him. When he asks me to attend a field trip or party at his school, I readily agree.
As the boys grow up, the way I connect with my sons will change. But, now that I know of the importance of a mothers nurturing attention throughout a boys life, I am determined that we will always have a strong, emotional bond.
I have compiled many other books and suggestions about helping boys break through gender stereotypes on my web site, Brave Girls and Strong Women: http://members.aol.com/brvgirls. Girls and boys must both be encouraged to break out of gender stereotypes if we are to have a world that allows people to be who they are, regardless of gender.
Jyotsna Jo?Sreenivasan is the mother of two boys, ages 7 and 3. She is the author of two novels for children: The Moon Over Crete and Arunas Journeys. For a list of over 90 books that help kids break out of gender stereotypes, see her site: Gender Equality Books, http://www.genderequalbooks.com. She also helps individuals and businesses with writing needs: http://members.aol.com/writebook64.
Tags: boy code, boys, depression, emotions, gender stereotyping, mothers, sons, violent behavior