Posts Tagged: behavior

Parenting — Comments Off
18
Mar 11

Helping Teens With Troubled Youth Programs

It has been observed that more and more parents are finding it hard to keep their young ones in check especially when they reach the adolescent years. There are numerous reasons that may cause a teenager to deviate from the normal expected course of development and tread off on a deviant path. In such cases they become a source of pain and suffering for the entire family while living in a state of constant self-torture themselves.

What parents need to understand is that the emotional tangles that their teenage child is caught up in are genuine. Their misbehavior and rebellious attitude is not without reason. Although there is no justification for bad behavior against parents but if a youth has developed such an attitude due to whatever reasons it is imperative to grab hold of the situation before it becomes a permanent way of life for the individual.

It is true that at times parents need to use the iron fist rule. Parents may even prescribe punishments and put restrictions on the teenager but in certain situations these things only aggravate the negativity in the youth. Rather than being overwhelmed by the situation parents should seek other alternatives that can curb their teenager from falling deeper into the deep dark valleys of despair.

Finding the right alternative

The alternative exists out there and it is only a matter of finding it for parents. As parents you will have to take the initiative as well as make the final decision of enrolling your child in one of the troubled teen programs that have been set up for the purpose of bringing about a behavior modification in rebellious teenagers.

Although many parents feel embarrassed of doing so there really is no reason for them to feel this way because firstly they are not alone and secondly the decision that they will be making is out of the genuine concern they have for the well being of their child.

By handing the youth over to the professionals, parents can rest assured that he will be receiving exactly the kind of treatment that will help him get rid of the negative attitude and develop a positive outlook towards life. For this purpose the child will be required to become part of an outfit which calls upon him to work as a member of a team with other troubled teens. Each child receives individual attention as well and an independent track record for each student is maintained.

By setting them up in groups and making them follow a preplanned schedule the programs subtly instill the sense of responsibility and mutual cooperation in the youngsters. Not surprisingly the different centers that offer such troubled youth programs have produced excellent results and it has been observed that troubled teens find it much easier to get out of their tangles through the help of such institutions.

The end result is that the teenager passes through the various stages of mental and moral development at an accelerated pace. On returning home the once rebellious teenager is a self conscious and responsible individual who fits right in the family being a source of comfort and happiness rather than frustration and sorrow.

Babies-Toddler — Comments Off
23
Feb 11

Tantrums and the Terrible Two’s

Two year olds are exploring their world and frequently testing the limits of their own skills, their environment and your patience. At times the ride may be so bumpy and change so quickly, you would prefer a roller coaster in the middle of a tornado! Remember that this is normal behavior and in some children it extends into the age of three as well.

Remember that their emotional development is a work in progress. You can actually help your child develop some confidence by encouraging positive behavior that is more mature. Consistently set limits but allow them enough leeway to explore and follow their curiosity. Letting them know how much appropriate behavior is appreciated is a much more powerful tool and incentive, than negative harsh reactions when they have a tantrum. Consistency is the key.

Tantrums are inevitable and normal. The two year child is frustrated and can be very emotional with rapid and extreme mood swings. Learning to express them selves is a challenge. Providing some wiggle room for this is important in their development if they are to mature. However as a parent one needs to direct them away from aggressive, violent behavior that might endanger themselves or others. Aggressive or violent behavior must be interrupted without overreacting. With as much of a neutral manner as possible tell your child immediately and very clearly that kind of behavior is not acceptable. If necessary a time-out or removing the child for a few minutes if you are in a public place is important. Keep calm and do not respond in anger. Physical punishment is simply not an option. This only sends the message the resorting to violence is an acceptable means to communicate and solve problems. Reasoning in the middle of a tantrum is also not an option. When emotions have subsided a simple and clear explanation can be very helpful.

Keep it simple as a complicated discussion won’t work. This all takes time and patience. Focus on the behavior that needs to change while being positive about the child as a person. Children are incredible “sponges”. They are soaking up the behavior that is modeled around them 24/7. Even when they don’t seem to be paying attention, they are very aware of how other children and adults respond to each other and to them. Sometimes an attempt to redirect their attention or energy to some other activity can abort the full blown tantrum. If you can give them a choice between two things, the child feels as if they have some control in the process. However once it goes into something further interrupting this with a time out is important. No more than 2-3 minutes of time out for a toddler should be necessary to make the point. Wait until they have calmed down to offer any explanation or continue activities. Television is also a powerful model of behavior for your children. Be thoughtful about what they are watching.

Your most powerful tool is appreciating and encouraging your child when they are exhibiting appropriate behavior. This cultivates confidence and self esteem. With more confidence children are able to develop a positive self image of someone who models behavior that is appreciated and valued by people and loved ones around them. Consistency not perfection is the goal.

Parenting — Comments Off
18
Feb 11

Stop Teaching Your Child To Disrespect Your Authority

A typical parenting challenge that causes many parents frustration can be expressed in the following question: “What do you do when you want your child to do something, and he responds with: ‘I don’t care’, or ‘I can do whatever I want to do’, or ‘I am not going to my room’, or ‘try to catch me’, or ‘I won’t eat this, you can’t make me’”?

When talking to your child is very hard and makes you almost (or sometimes) lose your temper, when your child simply won’t do what you ask of him, you feel tempted to blame your child. But this just keeps you feeling like a victim. Where you need to focus is on what you are doing to cause what is happening to you. Take responsibility for your results, pay more attention, and you will begin to see small changes that you can make for the improved results that you want.

The first thing to focus on when you want to improve a child’s behavior is on the improvement of your own behavior. Pay particular attention to ways that you speak to and around your child. Children are programmed by nature to behave in the ways that people behave around them.

If you sound harsh, impatient, disrespectful, cruel or cutting in your speech toward or around your child, you literally program your child to speak similarly. So begin by paying more attention to the ways that you express yourself, and bring more calm consideration and compassion into your tone.

Next, observe how you react to your child’s behavior. Do you blame your child for the unpleasant ways that you react to his behavior? This makes your child responsible for your behavior; but in fact, you are responsible for that. As you take responsibility for the quality of your reactions, your example teaches your child to take more responsibility for the quality of his reactions to you.

If your child can “make” you lose your patience, feel disrespected, become frustrated, or feel like lashing out hurtfully, your child is actually the one in charge. You begin gaining control when you first demonstrate self-control. Practice remaining calm, confident and loving NO MATTER HOW HE BEHAVES. From that calm place, you can decide what you need to do and do it more effectively.

What he is doing is actually a form of testing you, to see if you your love for him is deep and secure enough to maintain your loving connection with him even when he behaves improperly. If you can pass this “test” he will feel more secure, more loving, more appreciative toward you, and that motivates him to try harder to cooperate with you and please you.

Also monitor the degree of anger and stress in the household. A stressful atmosphere causes children to feel so aggressive they cannot even control themselves when they want to.

Also look at the quality of relationships going on around your child. If he sees much strife and contention, he is led to relate similarly.

Now that he is six, you can have a conversation with your child when there is peace between you, explaining how you want to be spoken to, and why. Ask him gently why he has been speaking to you like that, and if there is anything he needs from you to help him to stop. Don’t turn this into an argument. Model excellent listening.

In this conversation, do not sound critical or convey a superior attitude like “I am right and you are wrong.” You might even admit that you have the same problem (all of us do), and talk about the kinds of trouble your disrespectful or inconsiderate speech has caused you (you might also include how you talk to yourself when you feel mad at yourself).

Finally, if you can maintain your loving peace and poise in response to this behavior of his, you can warn him that he will lose a privilege of some kind if he does not change his manner of speaking to you right now. Explain the reason for this, such as: “In life, when we speak disrespectfully to others, we lose their support and cooperation. My removing a privilege in response to that behavior prepares you for the real world, and that is part of my job.”

However, warnings and consequences will NEVER work if he is too exposed to negative modeling, if his behavior causes your angry reaction to override your loving connection, and if no one really listens to him when he expresses himself in more considerate ways.

In sum, pay closer attention to your behavior to see how you may be provoking what you do not want from your child, and to find ways of improving your own behavior for better results. This models for your child the application of a higher level of self-control. Indeed, child discipline really does begin with better adult self-discipline.

Parenting — Comments Off
1
Oct 10

Parenting For Excellence – Focus On the Heart of Your Child, Not On Their Behavior

Don’t hit your brother! Stop whining! Be quiet! Don’t do this, don’t touch that! These are probably a premium selection of the top favorite commands that are given to our children daily.

We parents are good at giving commands to our children. And we should be. After all, God has given us the responsibility, and therefore also the authority, to educate them.

Commands are wonderful! Once they are pronounced they have a way of quickly reestablishing peace in our families.

Phew! And we can go on with whatever we were doing. At least for a while…

Depending on the obedience of our children, they all look pretty under control once the problem is dealt with.

But is it really?

Is it enough to give a command with the sole goal of having them comply?

You see, us parents sometimes make the mistake of focusing too much on the outward behavior of our children and too little on what is happening deep down inside their hearts.

Because it’s easier, it’s faster, and it’s convenient.

Not on the long run. If your child compliantly agrees with you and dutifully obeys, the only thing you have gained is having control over his or her actions.

Which is good, and necessary, but not enough.

You see, compliance looks nice, but it is a very subtle version of rebellion. The child may be acting right, but in his heart he is still disobedient. That is why he will do the same thing over and over again as soon as he can.

We have to deal with their heart. We have to be able to know what their heart attitude is like, and find out what the real motivation for their actions is.

And you will never achieve that by just giving them commands and forcing them to comply.

To see what is really in their heart you have to have their heart first, – and that takes much more time and effort than just barking out a short command.

To win your children’s hearts you have to express your love to them. You have to invest time in them and in their interests. You have to show them that their little world is important to you.

That way you will always have close communication with them. And they will respond with true obedience…from their heart.

Having the heart of your children goes together with deeply respecting the unique combination of gifts and talents God created them with, even though their interests might not be what you imagined them to be like when they were little!

Show them that you deeply respect their God-given talents. Teach them how to develop those gifts successfully, and to walk out that wonderful plan God has created them for!

Parenting — Comments Off
19
Sep 10

Teaching Children – Should You Let Nature Take Its Course Or Intervene?

One tough dilemma for any parent is to know when to let children learn for themselves from the consequences of their own actions and when to intervene to teach them a lesson. This is sometimes referred to as natural consequences or logical consequences and the principle is simple but its execution is not always easy.

A common example of a natural consequence might be seen in the kitchen where if a child touches the hotplate while you’re cooking he’ll burn his hand. Here the child learns a lesson from nature without any need for you to intervene. However, this is perhaps something of an extreme example.

Let’s say a child wants to buy a model airplane and that you agree to help by paying him to wash the car each week, rather than taking it as you normally would to the carwash, so that he can save enough money to buy the model. However, with money in his pocket he can’t resist the temptation to spend it and by the time he should have saved enough for the model airplane he’s already spent most or all of his money on junk. At this point of course he probably still expects to receive the model airplane and is surprised when he doesn’t.

In both of these cases the child has learn a valuable lesson from the natural consequences of his own actions and you have played no active part in teaching him these lessons. This is perhaps the best way to teach any lesson and the child benefits whether the result is good or bad. If the child had not for example spent the money earned by washing the car and had been able to buy the model he would equally have learned the value of working and saving for something and would also have learned the value of the model itself, since he had to work and save to get it.

But let’s return to the example of the child putting his hand on the hotplate. This is certainly one way for the child to learn a lesson but no parent is going to stand by and watch their child learn a lesson in this manner. In many cases the consequences of a child’s action are serious or long-lasting and you need to intervene and find some other way to teach the child the lesson he needs to learn.

The secret here is to ensure that your intervention is seen as part of the logical consequence had the child been allowed to learn the lesson without your intervention.

Let’s say for example that your teenage daughter rents a movie from the local corner shop but forgets to return it on time so that she incurs a late fee. Now, assuming that she doesn’t have the money to pay the late fee, you give her the money so that she can return the movie.

At this point you could punish her by forbidding her to rent any further movies for the next month but this is not a logical consequence of her action of not returning the movie on time, which was to incur a late fee. It would be far better therefore to punish her by deducting the late fee from her allowance. Because this punishment is directly related to the late return of the movie she is much more likely to remember to return the next movie she rents on time.

Some lessons of course are easier to teach than others. If your seventeen year old son has unprotected sex with his sixteen year old girlfriend the natural consequences of an unwanted pregnancy could have life-long consequences. But how do you intervene to stop this happening?

Unfortunately there’s no simple answer to this one and how you tackle the problem will depend very much upon your own personal and family circumstances and the relationship which you have built up with your son. What is certain is that you cannot simply sit back and let nature take its course if you feel that there is a danger of your son getting himself into trouble.

For each and every situation that faces us as parents we have to decide whether our children can learn for themselves through their own experience, or whether we need to intervene to help in the learning process. In addition, having decided that intervention is necessary we need to intervene wherever possible in a manner that follows the natural consequences of the child’s action. Here there is no stock answer to the problem and you need to be guided by your own experience.

Parenting — Comments Off
18
Aug 10

What Will Our Children Become

Children, well what can you say about children? Their messy, their nosy, their loud, they can be an all around pain. They are however the greatest gift God has given to a husband and wife, second only to the gift of salvation. Many times we don’t understand our children, we sometimes get so out of sorts, we feel like pulling our hair out, we just don’t know what to do or which way to turn. As parents many times we focus on the mischief our children get into, they can be disobedient and they always think know what’s best? I know when I tell mine they can’t go off with certain people, they usually can’t understand why. These are some of the most common come backs my wife and I get, they’re not that bad, their parents will be with us, their parents let them do it. Sometimes in our children’s lives we do need to let them make their own mistakes, but how far can we let them go and still keep them safe? Mine get so angry when we say no to things, that you’d think they’ll never speak to us again. As is common though, most of the time they get mad, and then they get over it in a day or two.

What about the times when they pitch such a fit that you just want to pull your hair out? Do you let them go, or do you stick to your guns? I would have to say it depends on the situation. For my wife and I, if it’s not something that would endanger their well being, then we will let them go make their own mistakes. At no time however, should we let them pitch a fit till they get what they want. This only proves to the child that if they carry on, or pitch a temper tantrum long enough, they’ll get their way. This in turn can, and usually does, develop into a regular pattern. If they always get their way now, it can turn into a much bigger problem later on in life. If they always get their way at home, doesn’t it stand to reason they’ll grow up thinking they should always get their way? Sometimes we have to stick to our guns in order to teach them that life is not always fair and they don’t always get their way.

What may seem right for some parents may not seem right for others. Some parents may feel its okay to let their children watch television that has cussing, sexual content, violence, demons, vampires and things of this nature. Some parents may feel comfortable letting them listen to certain types of music and hang around with certain crowds of people. The key thing is to think of the influence; is this a godly influence, is this something that will cause them to cuss, drink, smoke, be violent or have premarital sex. All I can say here is pray and seek the Lord’s guidance. Common sense should tell us that if they hear cursing and see sexual content on a regular basis, they will follow suit. How can we tell our children not to cuss if they hear it from us, or hear it on our television constantly? If they listen to music that consistently talks about drinking and cheating, would it not make sense that it’s delivering a message of consent to such activities. We can seek the advice of others, but ultimately each parent is going to do what they feel is right for their family. Remember that we, as parents, have the biggest influence on our children than anyone else. Yes, there are many influences in the world today, school, television, music, movies and friends, but ultimately we have the biggest impact on what our children become. The National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) has much information on the outcome of a child’s behavior due to the effects of parental influence. If you don’t want your children cussing, don’t watch it on TV or say it. If you don’t want them having sex before their married, don’t watch sexual content on TV or let them see it in your home. We can say that it’s wrong, but if we allow it into our home, they will see it as a double standard. It is like saying “don’t do as I do, do as I say.” We need to teach our children by our actions, not by our words.

Remember another old saying, “Actions speak louder than words?” This is very true; our children watch every move we make. Are we showing them Jesus in our actions, or are we showing them the ways of the world? Seek the guidance of the Lord, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:6 says, In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Teach your children the right way, they won’t forget it in the long run, Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. We may not see the influence we have on our children right now, but we will and can see it later. Do we want that influence to be that of hatred, anger and the sinful appearance of the world, or do we want that influence to be of Christ? If Christ truly lives in us and leads our everyday lives, it will have a positive impact on our children. If we live angry, bitter lives hurting others, our children will more than likely grow up to do the same. If we cuss, smoke, drink, do drugs or live for the almighty dollar, our children will more than likely grow to be the same. What our children grow up to be in the terms of a human being is up to us. If Christ is the center of our life, then he will more than likely be the center of their lives also.

Parenting — Comments Off
3
Feb 10

Parenting Good Behavior – How to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem – 5 Secret Tips

Most people think that they can influence their child’s confidence by giving them lots of praise, but the real truth is what truly enables a child to utilize opportunities and feel confident is the ability to think in ways that see opportunity so that your child can seize the opportunity. This has been called possibility thinking. It trains the brain to look for possibilities vs. limitations.

Raising your child with a high degree of self-esteem helps insure that your child can utilize these advantages or possibilities. Most importantly though, is how you train your child’s mind to think and speak. This will be the largest contributor to your child’s success. As a child, there is an unconscious learning process that takes place by observing parents and others, called modeling. It is when your child watches what you do and models the behavior you exhibit.

How you model your personal behavior in situations both stressful and nonstressful is how children learn to deal with the world on a daily basis. In a stressful situation if you personally are a quitter, I do not care how smart your child is or how good their grades are, they will also learn a pattern of quitting by observing you model quitting in daily life.

If you unconsciously seek validation from others, your child will learn, by you modeling it to them, that validation from outside yourself is a must have and then go seek it from their peers. If you model self-command to them, then they too will learn self-command.

If you model fear during a crisis, your children unconsciously learn how to have the same toxic thinking pattern you do. Children learn limited negative or possibility thinking from you and your daily actions because it is the only example that is being modeled to them in that moment.

Parents play a big role in the development of their child’s ability to think in daily life. Whether they learn negative or power thinking habits depends on what you allow daily in your house and what you model for them.

As a parent you are the class room of life. Children learn your thinking style and habits. As a parent, it matters what behavior you model to them every day. In the real world you must model true, authentic self-esteem, not a false sense of self-esteem, if you want them to learn and have it.

Here are 5 steps to modeling successful behaviors to your children

Parents, model desired behavior

You can not expect your child to do what you are unwilling to do. If you do not want them to develop certain habits, you must make sure that you do not model those habits and behaviors for them.

Parents, examine your thinking and speaking habits.

There are six deadly accepted limited thinking and speaking habits that can sabotage your success and your child’s success forever if it continues going unnoticed. You must learn what they are and avoid using any one of them. This will help ensure your child’s future success habits.

Parents, stop the continued daily usage of limited negative thinking.

Even in the smallest amounts limited negative thinking destroys your child’s aspirations and yours before they even begin. Not understanding what limited thinking really is can allow you to use it all the time without you knowing it. Learn what limited thinking and speaking habits you use.

Parents, learn and model self command.

Self-command is the ability to take action in a direction and maintain a powerful level of excitement, focus and drive to complete the task. Learn to drive your own personal power then model it for your children and your children will naturally develop this powerful tool to help them succeed in their daily activities. This will give your child the edge in life. It teaches your child strong leadership skills

Parents, understand the plays in your play book.

Every family has a play book that they use to play the game of life. When you understand what plays you and your child have in the family play book, you can find the plays that have been used to sabotage results and replace them with plays that produce desired results.

Parents, modeling desired behavior for your children helps them develop into strong adults with strong self-command and self-esteem. Your child will watch you. What you do, your children will do. Teach them how to have the life of their dreams, by you having and modeling the life of your dreams.

Vickie Jimenez is the author of “Champagne thoughts and Caviar power The Science of Results Oriented Thinking” and has over 20 years in the Personal Development field. She is an expert in personal and business mind set performance as well as work environment management. She is a speaker, corporate trainer and the CEO of Success Systems Seminars. She teaches companies and individuals how to raise accountability and performance through self-command. increasing production, revenues, culture, sales and career satisfaction. To learn more visit http://successsystemsnow.com