Posts Tagged: conflict

Parenting — Comments Off
4
Jun 11

Why Your Children Are Perfect

Did you ever date someone who wanted to change you? Or were you the one wanting to make the changes? Usually those relationships are filled with conflict and strife. One person struggles to be themselves, messy, unstylish, or unmotivated as that may be, while the other sees their potential. If only that person would dress just a little better, look for a new job, pick up their house, the list can go on and on. Rarely, in the end, do these struggles result in change and even more rarely do they result in happiness for both parties.

This struggle to change someone is often a result of judgments that we carry around with us. Part of our mind is constantly comparing ourselves and those we love with others and holding them up to some expectations we’ve created. Our expectations and judgments of our children are particularly strong. We welcome our children to the world with hope and anticipation. Many of us dream of either creating the childhood we didn’t have or re-creating wonderful moments we did. Our surroundings build further beliefs of how life with children should be. We are bombarded with images on TV and in the media of happy parents and smiling babies. We talk to our friends and family about our children and their achievements. In turn, we strive for them to have every opportunity, to make the most of their lives, and to be more successful than ourselves.

All of our hopes and dreams can lead us to provide our children with wonderful experiences and learning opportunities. However, creating expectations they are unable to meet or that are inconsistent with their personality likely leads to unhappiness and problems. Our children internalize our hopes and our beliefs about them. When they are unable to live up to them, they judge themselves. “I’m no good at this.” “I’m not smart enough.” “I’m not brave/strong/ disciplined/ funny/ thoughtful enough.” Thinking like this will weigh them down and lead to feelings of worthlessness, guilt or harsh self criticism.

If you find that you’re in that cycle of struggling with your child about your expectations and their inability to meet them it may be time for a change. Simply letting go of our judgments can feel good. The first step to letting go of judgments is to notice when you are having them. We develop them over decades of experience. Most are rooted in our background and traditions. They may be so much a part of our pattern of thinking that we don’t even realize they are there.

Once you have stepped back, try to accept your children exactly as they are. In their book “Everyday Blessings”, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn suggest that we can parent mindfully, helping us see past problem behaviors. One tip they suggest is to practice seeing your children as perfect just the way they are. See if you can stay mindful of their autonomy from moment to moment. Work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.

Although our children may never be the babbling baby in the commercial, first in their class, a rocket scientist, and athletic superstar, they can still be perfect. They are perfect in the person that they are and in the unique set of qualities they bring into the world.

Parenting — Comments Off
30
Jan 10

Bad Behavior in Children – Is it Really Bad?

If you find that you are yelling and getting angry with your child more often than you would like, you may be looking at some ways to handle bad behavior in children. The first thing you need to keep in mind when you need to handle a behavior situation is that a child is a person. A child is a young adult that hasn’t grown up yet. They know more and feel more than we can ever realize. Just the atmosphere in a home that is not at a high level can affect the child in ways that we do not know about.

Is there really such a thing as bad behavior in children or is it really just misguided behavior that needs a quick correction? If we are going to label and behavior as bad then what is to stop the child from differentiating the label of bad behavior from bad child? There really are no bad children, and by using the word bad as often as we do, we may be putting a label on the child by association. Indeed children can do many things that can be very frustrating and tiresome, but in the end there are no bad children and let’s stop calling it bad behavior in children, especially in front of them.

If the child has a behavior habit that is not optimal such as screaming and yelling if he doesn’t get his way, then this is definitely a behavior that needs to be modified. The first thing to do when handling it is to sit down when the child is calm and discussing it with them. The worst mistake that a parent can make is to sit down and have a calm rational talk while the child is screaming. Let the child finish the screaming, it won’t kill you to listen to it one more time, and wait an hour or two until the child is very content doing something else and talk to him. This so-called bad behavior in children can usually be talked through.

If you are looking to correct bad behavior in children the first thing you need to do is stop calling it bad behavior. The next thing you need to do is really talk to your child and let him know what you think about this behavior. This needs to be done at a time following an incident.Remember never loose your temper take a big breath count to ten then give the child a hug.It may not work the first time but if you are patient it will work.In most cases the child is just looking for attention so give it to them.A hug will get you a lot farther than screaming and loosing your temper.

If you want further information about how to deal with the child and to really connect with him so that you can not only correct the misbehavior but build a relationship as well, you should go to http://bestsmartparentingtips.com/ for more answers.

general — Comments Off
20
Oct 08

Anger Management and Insecurity – Declare Your Personal Cease-Fire

Anger management is only part of the answer to controlling rage and violent behavior, because anger’s just a symptom of the underlying problem. The basic cause of every conflict, from family arguments to war, is actually not just anger, but deep-seated insecurity.

People act aggressively because they fear that someone else will get them first. They become insanely jealous because they’re scared of losing what they love. They bully other people just to make themselves feel powerful. Nations attack other nations out of fear of losing influence.

Whenever people act in ways that hurt themselves or others, you can trace their actions back to some deep-seated insecurity.

Experiencing insecurity, at some time and at some level, is just part of being human. In its proper place, it’s for our own protection — if we had no sense at all that something unexpected or unpleasant just might happen, we’d walk straight into every kind of danger, every time. The reason why we check the traffic before we step into the road is that we know a car might hit us if we didn’t.

Unfortunately, many people live in a constant state of heightened insecurity, where the slightest thing can drive them into uncontrollable anxiety, jealousy, rage or hatred.

These feelings trigger a surge of adrenalin, which can provoke a rush of anger or bravado, or some other form of aggressive or even violent behavior. If it’s not released it stays within the person’s system, causing stress and flooding the mind and body with harmful chemicals which do yet more damage to both emotional and physical well-being.

If you recognise these feelings in yourself, take heart. They can be beaten.

First of all, relax deeply. Close your eyes, clear your mind, and feel a sensation of warmth and relaxation flowing from the top of your head to the soles of your feet.

Now, make a firm commitment to yourself to be the best you can at being you. Don’t worry about the competition — there isn’t any. You are someone no-one else can ever be.

Next, think of someone whose behavior makes you feel uncomfortable or insecure, angry or frustrated. Picture that person as strongly as you can. Forget the differences between you, and remember only what you have in common.

Maybe you do the same job, or live in the same neighborhood. Perhaps you both have kids, and want to do what’s best for them. Maybe you’re both ambitious, good to your parents, love music or like gardening. Whether the common ground is great or small, dwell on it, and look around for more.

If you can’t think of one single thing you have in common, remember you’re both human. You each have a heart that beats, a mind to think and feel with, blood that flows around your body, a need to love and be loved, hopes and dreams that can empower you to do great things… and the power to change the world around you.

Perhaps you’ve heard the story from the First World War, when the opposing soldiers stopped the fighting to sing Christmas carols. Afterwards they scrambled from their trenches to meet each other in the no-man’s-land between. They shared their chocolate and tobacco, and showed each other pictures of their loved ones… and they realised that their enemies were just like them. There simply wasn’t any need to fight.

If soldiers fighting for their lives could do it, you can. Think of ways of brokering your personal cease-fire. If you meet that person in the street tomorrow, maybe you could smile and say “Good Morning”.

Maybe you could ask about their family, or congratulate them on a good piece of work, or comment on the weather, or what’s going on in some sport you both have interest in. If you can do that person some small kindness, go ahead — and if a favor’s offered in return, accept it.

It doesn’t need to be a very close relationship — just let go the automatic expectation they’ll do something hurtful, focus on respecting both the other person and yourself, replace the spirit of hostility with the principle of kindliness… and keep on doing it.

The atmosphere of trust you build will help to heal the other person’s insecurity — and any you have, too. You’ll find a greater confidence in everything you do. Because you’ve changed things for the better, you’ll feel greater self-reliance and empowerment — and there’s another spin-off, too.

If every person would just work to heal relationships and insecurities, the world could find a true and lasting peace. That starts, or ends, with every one of us.

Will you play your part, by letting go your insecurities and declaring your cease-fire with the world — and, if so, will you do it now?