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3
Jun 11

Parents – Letting Go of Guilt

How are your children doing? If they are doing well, then I’m sure you feel good about your parenting. If they are not doing well, what are you telling yourself about your parenting?

“I should have been there for them more.”

“I should have been harder/easier on them.”

“I should have been a stay-at-home mother.”

“I shouldn’t have spent so much time at work.”

“I should have set better limits.”

…and so on.

Yet most parents did the best they could, and continue doing the best they can. Statements such as those above only server to create guilt. And the fact is that if you had known how to do it better, you probably would have, so beating yourself up for not knowing better is a useless waste of energy.

But even if you had been an “ideal” parent – if there is such a thing – your child might still have problems. The belief that perfect parenting creates perfect children is a false belief based on another false belief – that we have control over other people.

There are two problems with thinking that you can be a perfect parent and that this will create perfect children:

All of us are in the process of evolving ourselves – we are a work in progress. Unless you are a totally enlightened being, i.e. someone with no ego, no woundedness, no issues at all (I have never met this person!), you bring your own issues into your relationship with your children. You bring your own conditioning, false beliefs, fears and desires for control over getting love and avoiding pain. Given that we are the role models for our children, there is no way that the will not absorb some of our unhealed issues. Even if you manage to treat them with unconditional love, are you able to treat yourself with unconditional love? And if not, they are likely to learn to treat themselves the way you treat yourself – no matter how wonderfully you treat them.
Children do not come into this life as blank slates. They come in with their own unique souls. Anyone who has had more than one child knows that each child comes in totally different, with his or her own unique ways of being in the world. Therefore, what you do with one child that seems to work so well, may not work well at all with another child. Unless you are very sensitive and able to be acutely tuned into each child, it is likely that you may miss the cues of what an individual child needs. Therefore, while we need to take full responsibility for our choices and for being as loving as we can be, we cannot take responsibility for a child’s choices regarding who he or she wants to be.

If your children are not doing well, it is certainly important to do all you can to help. This means:

Supporting them in receiving the help they need if they are available for help.
Embracing your own learning journey. The more responsibility you take for your happiness and wellbeing, the better role model you become for them, regardless of their age. Even adult children can still learn from you how to start to take responsibility for themselves.

Feeling guilty for your children’s problems not only does nothing to help them, it can even harm them. Your guilt indicates that you feel responsible for them, and they may be more than willing to blame you for their problems. Feeling guilty is a form of enabling, which is never helpful to anyone. While they are living with you, you are certainly responsible for providing a caring and healthy environment for them. But you cannot take responsibility for the choices they make – you do not have this control. If you learn to take loving care of yourself in the face of their choices, you provide them with the opportunity to learn to take loving care of themselves.

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1
Jun 11

A Mother’s Lament – My Son Does Not Listen to Me

How may times have I heard moms say this? Usually it involves a preteen or teenage son. Often dad is not there, perhaps because of divorce. Mom is left alone with the kids.

I hope this article will shed some light on the subject so that both sons and moms can understand each other better-and love and not resent each other. I will address single and divorced moms, though my advice should prove enlightening for any mom or parent to be.

First of all, I understand that it is difficult to raise a child when you are a single mom. I have compassion for your situation. I wish your husband were there for you. But he is not. So I have to deal with the topic at hand.

There is an old expression: the boy is father to the man. And in keeping with this truism, a boy wants to someday be a man.

A boy wants to begin doing the things a man can do. He wants to be competent and good at something. He wants to be strong and courageous. He wants to know how to do things and fix things. We wants to be worthy of respect. He wants to one day be a good provider. He wants to be a man.

It is tough if dad is not there. It helps if there are role models around: teachers, neighbors, coaches, a good older brother, uncle, or grandpa.

But no matter how many or few role models there are around, a boy needs opportunities to be a man (albeit a young man).

Now, it takes a very wise and perceptive mom to be cognizant of the above and to defer a little and give him a chance to lead.

Many ladies do not realize what a force they are. It is easy to be bossy. It is easy for a mom, being older and being far more verbally skilled, to always be right. It is easy to always win the argument with your child. It is easy to accuse and berate. It even happens that a mom will unconsciously resent her son because he is a male (like other men she has resented) and who reminds her of them by the mere fact that he is a male.

Having experience violence or use at the hands of a man, it is tempting to put down her son. I’m sorry to have to say this. But it does happen and has to be mentioned.

Even the best of parents has a tendency to become a bit bossy and authoritarian at times. When we were kids we were bossed around. It feels good to turn around and do it to someone else. And yes, big brothers, big sisters, baby sitters, and aunts can and often are bossy too.

Mom gets used to issuing orders and commands. Being directive (as long as it is with kindness) is appropriate for little kids, who need direction. But when kids get older, delegation is often in order. When an older boy or girl is told what to do, there is no space for self direction. But self direction and the development of independence, self motivation, and responsibility are what older kids need.

Perhaps you can have some sympathy for the plight of the boy. Surrounded by mostly women authorities, and being bossed around, he hardly has a chance to be a man.

A wise mom (who has self esteem and love) will sometimes let her son lead. Remember the old fashioned style of dancing (such as ball room or square dancing)? The man leads. If mom occasionally lets her older son lead when it comes to a few decisions around the home, it is actually a gracious and noble thing.

If a boy has a chance to be the man of the family, serving as big brother to siblings, watching out for them, fixing things, and even sharing in decision making-you would be surprised how many will rise to the occasion.

It takes wisdom, grace and a lot of love to stand back and let the young man be protective and helpful. But it must not be too obvious. I love the old television shows (such as Andy of Mayberry, Leave It to Beaver, or Father Knows Best). They show how a parent can be vigilant without being intrusive. I love the old series The Big Valley, where the main character (played by Barbara Stanwyck) is the matriarch of a powerful California ranch family. She shows how to be strong but not pushy, and both competent and gracious. She had self esteem. Because she was not over-bearing, her kids were strong and had self esteem too.

It is amazing how much wisdom was written into these old television shows. For example, they often have a story about the parents sometimes secretly watching what one of the children is doing, but pretending not to see.

They stay in the shadows, vigilant and observant, ready to help out or even take charge if necessary-but hoping the child will do what is right on her own..

And even if the child makes a mistake (the parents watch to make sure that nothing really bad happens), it is a learning experience. The child was allowed to handle it himself (though the parents were quietly on guard). Another win-win is when the child sees for himself that he is in over his head and comes to the parents for advice.

There is even a passage in the Bible where it says that Mary watched her son from the distance and held things in her heart. Not everything has to be said. Some things are guarded in the heart. Nor does everything need to be said right away. People need a little space to discover for themselves.

Finally here’ is one of my favorite helpful hints for parents, and especially moms (since most single parent homes are headed by moms). I heard one of America’s top family experts casually state this gem as an aside. When I heard it, I immediately knew it was right and have never forgotten it.

He said this to parents, and especially parents of teenagers: “Don’t be so confrontational.”

When a parent disproves of something that a child has done, there is a tendency to get right in his face.

Not only is this painful to watch, and even more painful to be on the receiving end of, it tempts the child to become angry, or to become a wimp with secret hostility.

Give them some space. Remember the cute song “Talk to the Animals” from the movie Dr. Doolittle.

Talk to the family pet, talk to the pictures on the wall, talk to the stuffed animals on the shelf. Tell them what is going on. Say it so that your child can overhear what you are saying to the stuffed teddy bear on the shelf:

Say to the teddy bear: “I don’t know what to do. I’ve got company coming in half an hour, but John (the 12 year old son in question) says he has to go next door. I need someone to help me vacuum the living room. Jane is at ballet. I have to prepare food. Oh, what am I going to do?”

You would be surprised how many times, after a few minutes go by, John, (who overheard your conversation with the bear), will suddenly appear and say: “Mom, I heard you tell bear about your dilemma. I gave it some thought, and I decided I better call Joey and tell him I can’t come over because I’ve got to help my mom!” He realized it himself, grew in character, and will feel good about himself–all because you gave him the space to see it for himself.

In conclusion, boys need opportunities for work, for competition, and for sports. A boy needs to have something that he feels competent doing. If possible the activities should be real: not looking at pictures of hiking, but hiking; not just watching a movie about swimming, but really swimming. Most importantly, he needs opportunities to lead and make decisions. What better place to learn than at home under the wise and gentle tutelage of his parent?

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29
May 11

No More Naps!

No mom looks forward to the day when her children stop taking their afternoon naps. I have been dreading this day, and it has finally arrived.

Different children stop taking naps at different ages. I have heard of many children giving up their nap at age two, but I hung in there with my twin boys until they were almost three and a half. When they started refusing to go to sleep until 11:00 p.m., I knew something had to change!

Giving up naps is a difficult transition for a toddler, and difficult for parents too. My boys were thrilled when I told them they didn’t have to take their naps anymore, but the first couple of days they were passing out on the couch right before dinner…they could hardly make it through the day.

It has been several weeks now since they stopped taking their afternoon nap, and we are definitely making progress. First of all, I have found that catnaps are okay when they just can’t make it through the day, but I can’t let them sleep for very long (i.e. more than an hour). The couple of times I let them sleep longer they were up until 11 p.m. again!

When I can keep them up all day they are generally asleep between 9:00-9:30 p.m. We start getting ready for bed by getting pajamas on, brushing teeth, reading books, etc., around 8 p.m. They will then sleep between 11-12 hours. Depending on what time your children need to get up in the morning, this will definitely affect what time they go to bed at night. My boys get up around 8:30 a.m.

I have one son who falls asleep really quickly, and one that plays in his bed for quite awhile before he falls asleep. During our first week of no naps, my sleepier one fell asleep at 7:30 p.m. one night and slept until the next morning! On the other hand, my other son just tonight couldn’t fall asleep until after 10:00 p.m., and I put them to bed before 9:00. The key is consistency. Putting your children to bed at the same time every night is important, as well as getting them up at the same time every morning. They won’t always fall asleep at the same time, but at least if they are in bed they will have the opportunity to fall asleep. I have also found that wearing them out definitely helps! Make sure they run around and get some of their energy out during the day.

Giving up naps doesn’t happen overnight. The afternoon is definitely longer, especially for me, but I am enjoying them going to bed at an earlier time and I realize this is just one more step in the process of them growing up!

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21
May 11

How to Set Time Limits For Your Children’s Internet Use Without Arguing

The internet can be a great tool for your kids to explore. But it can be addictive too. And with all the interactivity through sites and instant messaging programs, the amount of time your children spend on the internet can add up quickly. If you want to help your children maintain a balance between their activities, you need to set a limit on the amount of time they can spend on-line. But setting and maintaining a limit can easily become an everyday struggle. And if it comes that far, it’s a battle that you are likely to give up at one point or that leads to a lot of stress for both you and your child. Let’s take a look at setting a limit – successfully.

Determining the available time
The best way to set a time limit is by looking at how much time your child has in a day. First look at the basics: the time to get up and the time to go to bed. This provides the frame that gives you the total time available. Then, you want to deduct all the time that is spent on activities that are recurring every day and are an absolute must-do. These are activities like: getting dressed, eating breakfast, going to school, dinner, home work. These activities are non-negotiable, as your child has to do them every day

Make sure to take differences into account
Next, you want to look at the other activities that are a must-do, but don’t happen every day, such as sports training or other must-do activities. Use the busiest days, with a lot of other must-do activities as the basis of the calculations. This sets the worst case and once agreed upon, it’ll make the other days look that much better. The days in the weekend are great days to give your child a little bit more time. It’s easy to do so, because there are less must-do activities.

The key to successful negotiations
Keep in mind when you are negotiating that you want the must-do activities done every day. So if your kid insists on getting more time, you can agree to that, but only on days like the weekend. This should lead to an agreement that both sides can approve of. That’s important, as it will be easier to follow the agreement and avoid new discussions about it. Enforced, one-sided agreements will lead to stressful situations, so it’s better to spend a little bit more time getting this part right.

Conclusion
The basis of setting and maintaining limits is a good agreement. Look at the different days and activities to determine the must-do actvities first, so these get done. Only spare time can be used as internet time. But, when negotiating, make sure to leave your kids some extra time during the weekend.

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21
May 11

Book Review – "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman, PhD & Ross Campbell, MD

The Five Love Languages of Children truly is a great and important book for every parent to read. It explains the five different approaches of providing love to a child and teaches parents to recognize and speak their child’s love language. By speaking the right love language, Moms and Dads can avoid many parenting issues and pitfalls by effectively connecting with their children and redirect their efforts to building family relationships that are filled with mutual and genuine respect, affection and commitment. Parents who read the book will also learn much about themselves, understand what their own love language is, and thereby improve relationships with their spouse or partner and even their own parents.

Apart from the basic physical needs of food, shelter and clothing, every child needs unconditional love; love that accepts and affirms a child for simply being who they are, not for what they do. Without unconditional love, a child will wither emotionally and can become stunted for life by feelings of inadequacy, fear, anger and resentment.

With a strong foundation of love that fosters a sense of security, safety and well-being, a child will flourish on all levels – mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually – and be more apt in developing the necessary skills to mature into a responsible, successful and loving adult. This book gives valuable insights and instructions on how parents can communicate each love language to their children as they grow through the various stages from infancy to adolescence.

The five love languages are:

1. Physical Affection
Cuddles and kisses, snuggling while watching a movie or reading a book together, wrestling on the floor, piggy-back rides, tickling, and playing games or sports that require physical touch all contribute to a healthy emotional life as it tells your child “I love you.”

2. Words of Affirmation
Underlying all words of endearment, praise, and encouragement is the message “I care about you” which nurtures your child’s inner sense of worth and security. Words of positive guidance, such as advising your child to stay away from drugs and cigarettes, steers your child in the right direction in life. However, the manner in which your words are spoken must also be taken into account. Sending the right message but in a cruel and harsh way will have the opposite effect.

3. Quality Time
By setting aside time where you can give your child your undivided attention, you effectively communicate “You are important. I like being with you.” Quality time is not so much about doing something special together, but about being present and being together.

4. Gifts
In order for gifts to become symbols of love and appreciation, a child must feel that his or her parents genuinely care, which is why the first three love languages (physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time) are necessary prerequisites for gifts to have real meaning. The mistake that some parents make and perhaps don’t even realize is to give gifts as a substitute for the other love languages or to use gifts as a form of bribery and manipulation. A true gift is one that is given as an expression of love, with no strings attached.

5. Acts of Service
Naturally, parenting is a full-time service-oriented role. As a parent, you need to remember that the primary motivation of serving your children is to do what is best for them. It is not about pleasing them and serving them all the candy and ice-cream they want. Like gift giving, acts of service should be used in conjunction with the other love languages. The ultimate purpose of acts of service is to be role models for your children so that they will learn by your example and lovingly serve their own family and community when they become adults.

The authors contend that each person has a “primary” love language which seems most important. When it comes to children under age five, figuring out their primary love language is not that clear-cut. Parents will need to speak all five love languages. Balanced doses of affectionate touch, supporting and encouraging words, spending quality time together, giving gifts, and acts of service will surely meet your child’s need for love and keep their “emotional tanks” full.

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20
May 11

Use These Top 10 Keys to Gaining Cooperation

1. Model cooperation yourself. Do YOU cooperate with your spouse, children and extended family?

2. Plan together. During a family meeting decide together what needs to get done and how you are going to do it.

3. Schedule it. Once you’ve decided on a plan, get it scheduled and displayed. Then the schedule is the authority, not you, which decreases power struggles.

4. Do chores together. Set the timer to agreed upon time, play some music and get going!

5. When the plan falls apart ask, “How are we going to get this done?” Follow your children’s solutions.

6. Rename the word “chore”. I know a Norwegian family who calls them “splevin”.

7. Ask your children what THEY need to get along better. Make agreements.

8. I you ask someone to do something and they say no, respond with “I’ll do it!” Do it with enthusiasm.

9. Keep your sense of humor. When things don’t go as planned, laugh, take a break, do something fun and try again later.

10. Change one behavior at a time. Sow and steady wins the race…

EVERYONE WANTS TO BE HEARD AND FEEL SPECIAL!

Here are the things to keep in mind to getting along with others and your children:

Cultivate peace in your own mind and heart.

Accept other’s ideas.

Focus on what YOU can do.

Let go of trying to make others do…

Respect other’s beliefs.

Teach HOW to do it.

Clean up your mistakes gracefully.

Focus on one thing each day.

Fake it till you make it.

How To Say It:

These cooperative phrases will help you in following the ten tips listed above:

“I am listening.” (Then listen until they are done.)

“I love and accept you.”

“You are more important to me than being right.”

“Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.”

“How can I help you?”

“What do you think we should do?”

“Let’s figure this out together.”

“I admit I made a mistake, I apologize.”

“Next time I will do … instead.”

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13
May 11

Unleash the Parental Leader Within – Part 4 (Some Feeling Words Are Not Actually Feelings)

Why Some Feeling Words Don’t Make This List

Some may ask why isn’t confusion on this list? I feel “confused” all the time. Or, why isn’t guilt on this list? I feel “guilty” a whole lot. Aren’t those feelings that we feel, also? In actuality, the answer is no because both guilt and confusion are something we tell ourselves intellectually, as opposed to being a true feeling. Remember, true feelings literally rise and fall within seconds! Thoughts, on the other hand, have a completely different pattern and will last until replaced by another thought (see pattern of thoughts for further detail).

There are hundreds of “feeling” words we use to describe our feelings, that are actually things we tell ourselves (thoughts) and are misnomers; guilt confusion, boredom, loneliness, depression, anxiety, grief, hopelessness, helplessness, bitterness, confidence, etc are some of the inaccurate words we use as feelings. However, these words are actually combinations of 2 (usually 3-4) true feelings and they will not go away until replaced by another intellectual process (another thought). For an example, it is only when we feel the individual feelings of anger, worry, sorrow, and fear does the “guilty feeling” go away. Otherwise, using guilt as a feeling word will not make us feel better because guilt only dictates if an event occurred or not.

Continuing this example further, it is not possible for a child to feel guilty for breaking their mother’s favorite dish. This is because they are guilty of breaking their mother’s dish (this is the reality, not a feeling). The child may feel sorry for breaking the dish, or afraid of what mom will do because the dish is broken, however there is no “guilty” feeling associated with breaking the dish. Since there is no “guilty” feeling involved, it would not matter how many times the child stated “I feel guilty” the “guilt”, will not go away. That is why naming the appropriate feeling is essential to the understanding of how true feelings operate.

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11
May 11

4 Duties New Parents Need to Know

Becoming a parent for the first time is an exciting stepping stone in your life, but it is also very scary! There are many things that you will be learning over the next few years, and unfortunately your new baby does not come with an instruction booklet. But don’t fear, there are lots of great resources that you can read to learn about good parenting skills and what you can do to help your child succeed.

There are four main duties as a parent, these are the foundations to raising your child and teaching them as they grow:

1. Be a teacher. You child will be learning new skills rapidly, especially in their first few years of life. Teach your child the correct things to do and help them to gain the skills that they will need throughout their entire life. As the child grow, teach them about values and the different between right and wrong choices

2. Be a friend. There is a fine line between being a friend and a parent, and sometimes you will find yourself stepping into both of these roles. Let you child know that you are there to talk to and always be willing to listen to what they have to say. Also, have fun and play with them! Being a friend and a good listener will strengthen your relationship with your child.

3. Be a positive role model. One of the biggest mistakes is telling your child “Do as I say, not as I do.” It is important that you are following the rules and guidelines that you are teaching your child. Children learn more from actions, they will do what their parents do.

4. Be a parent. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down sometimes– set boundaries and rules and be strong to make your child follow those rules. Have consequences and rewards for their actions. Your child will learn to respect and love you.

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11
May 11

Peaceful Parenting(r) Musings

The greatest gift is the passion for reading. -Elizabeth Hardwick

Paul was on the pitchers mound early in the baseball game. He had a love/hate relationship with pitching. Being the pitcher meant he was completely involved in the game. He had moments when he felt in control, as if there was a magic line between the ball leaving his hand and the strike zone. But he also hated the pressure of throwing the ball into the strike zone and out of the batter抯 reach time and time again.

David was behind the plate, catching. David was not ambivalent about catching. He flat out loved it! When Paul was on the mound David felt even more confident as the catcher. He knew the two of them couldn抰 lose.

Book ends, I would think. Does the batter know he is standing between the bookends of Paul and David? Does the batter realize the potential power of the Buck boys, one on the mound the other behind the plate?

Because it was early in the game and early in the season neither team was feeling any great pressure. Neither side had scored. But there was still plenty of time left in the game for everything to change. There was the potential for lots of action, lots of hits, lots of strikes. There was the potential for my two sons becoming heroes or goats.

Two outs in the bottom of the third inning. Facing the next batter, Paul pitched two strikes and one ball. David caught each of Paul抯 pitches, protesting the called balls. When Paul threw the next called ball and David threw it back something happened. Paul pulled up short. He limped off the mound, his face wincing in pain. The coach called time out and ran to Paul on the mound. He and the assistant coach supported and half carried Paul off of the field.

Two parents at a ball game where two sons were playing meant that one of us could take Paul to the hospital emergency room while the other of us stayed behind to watch David play his game. I was the one left behind. But both David and I were distracted by our concerns and worry. What had happened to Paul? David continued to catch as another team mate pitched. David made no errors and no great plays either. At bat, he never put his bat on a ball. The boys?team lost the game, 3-0.

When David and I returned home following the game, Paul and his father had returned from the hospital. Paul was full of questions for David. Who pitched? How did the team do? How did David do? My questions were about Paul and his health. As far as the doctor could determine Paul had injured his knee but it was difficult to tell how badly. He had not broken any bones. The doctor recommended that we ice his knee until bedtime, give him over-the-counter pain relievers and take him to a specialist the following day. Paul was still in pain, but not quite as badly as when he first injured himself.

Finally Paul told me the story of his injury. In his attempt to catch the ball returned by David, he had twisted his leg and knee.

Luckily the next day I was able to get an appointment with an orthopedist. After examination by this specialist, Paul was determined to have sprained one of his knee ligaments. Luckily treatment for recovery involved nothing more drastic than his using crutches for a couple of weeks to keep weight off of his injured knee. He was also restricted from all physical activity.

I perceived the prescription for a sedentary life as nothing drastic. My son would not need surgery and would have no long lasting physical damage. This point of view was not shared by my Paul. He couldn抰 play baseball, he couldn抰 participate in Phys. Ed. Class in school, he couldn抰 shoot hoops with his brother in our driveway, and he couldn抰 play whiffle ball in our side yard with his friends. What was he going to do for two weeks? Although he was reassured by the doctor that probably all normal physical activity could be resumed in only fourteen days, Paul felt as if this was a life time!

What Paul discovered during his time of physical restriction was the magic and gift of reading books! It started with a small book that we had lying around our home. Out of desperation and boredom Paul picked up Hatchet by Gary Paulson. Once he read the first chapter of this riveting book he was hooked. Next he read another book he found in the family library; Dog Song by the same author. Then he read another book and another book and another book. Finally, before I knew it, Paul had finished a book of mine from graduate school; The Autobiography of Malcolm X. Completing this book coincided with the end of his bed rest for recovery.

As a person who has always loved reading and loved books I was more excited by my son抯 copious reading than any baseball or basketball game ever played. Never a person to hide my enthusiasm from the world, I would ask Paul his opinion about the plot in one book, or the characters in another book. Paul barely acknowledged my questions. He let me know that although he was reading, this was not his first choice. He would much rather have been outside swinging a bat, dribbling a ball or chasing down a whiffle ball playing homerun derby. Reading was only something he was doing by default. There would be no conversing about books. He was only reading because there was nothing else that he could do!

Several years later David came home from high school telling me he needed to go to the library to borrow Shipping News for his high school English class. I told him that I had a copy of the book in my bedroom bookshelf. Happy to avoid a trip to the library he found the book without my help.

Much to my great surprise and delight, two weeks later David told me how impressed he was by the author抯 language and imagery. 揥hat?? I asked him. He repeated what he had said giving me specific examples from the book.

My heart stopped then skipped a beat! David was a reader! David was a discriminating reader. David was a reader who wanted to talk with me about a book he was reading. Now was the time for my dance of joy!

However, I was not going to make the same mistake with David that I had with Paul. I was willing to discuss our opinions about a book we had both read. But I was not going to become too enthusiastic, thus killing the tenuous book connection between us. Was the connection my son felt to reading any more solid?

While David and I were in the midst of this initial conversation, Paul entered the room. He chimed in with his opinion about this same book.

I could hardly believe my ears and good fortune. My boys were readers! My boys were reading and talking with me and each other about a fine book of fiction. No one uttered a peep about reading being a poor substitute for sports. We were all enjoying the gift of books and each other. Oh what great joy!

These many years later I continue to be delighted that both of my sons enjoy reading. Sometimes we exchange titles with one another of books we have each enjoyed. Other times we exchange the actual books. It is not uncommon for books to be presents given and received during Christmas and birthdays.

A book is a present we can open again and again and share our passion for reading. And with gratitude and delight I share my passion for reading with my sons. What a gift!

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8
May 11

When You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friends

Sometimes you simply do not like your kid’s friends. They may not have the look, the attitude, or the demeanor you want your children to associate with. Maybe they are controlling. Maybe they are manipulative. Maybe they are making your child act ways that they normally do not act. So what can you do when you do not like your kid’s friends?

When to step in and when to step back: The first thing you have to recognize is that even though you may not like your child’s friends, it is not entirely up to you who they hang out with. So, as a parent, you are not to decide if you like the friend or not, but whether or not the friend is going to be hurtful to your child. If they have a friend with punk rocker hair, and a few ugly piercings, it may appear like a bad idea, but sometimes it is the friend that looks normal that is encouraging your child to do drugs, defy you, cut classes, etc. So, evaluate how your child acts, and whether or not you should step in and forbid your child from seeing the friend or not. In many cases forbidding your kid from a friend can almost inevitably ensure that they will want to see them more. So, be careful about who you step in to keep your child from. In most situations friendships will run their course quickly, and will be over before you ever have to worry.

Are they a bad influence? Don’t be too quick to judge. Don’t ask if they look like a bad influence, but if they are one. A boy with long hair and a leather jacket may look like a bad influence, but actually be quite the kid. So, do not judge by appearances only, and do not be too quick to judge.

Pay attention to what is going on with your child: The best way to know if you should do something about your kid’s friends is to monitor your child.

The following three areas will help:

Behavior. Are they acting normal? Are they more defiant? Are they more flippant? Are their actions more selfish? If so, chances are they are getting influence from a friend that is not good.

Grades. Are their grades staying up? Do their grades reflect their normal school habits, or have they fallen? Often a sign of a friend who is a negative influence is falling grades.

Attitude. How do they treat you? How do they treat their siblings? What kind of attitude do they have?

Make your home somewhere they want to hang out: If you do not like your kid’s friends, the best thing you can do is monitor their interactions as much as you can without being a controlling parent. Do this by making your home a fun place to hang out. Make it somewhere kids want to spend time, so that when they do hang out, it is in your home.

Sometimes, you simply have to forbid your child from someone because it is bad for them to be around them.

What to do when you are forbidding them from specific friends:

Stay calm, stay logical. If you shout, then things get out of control, so don’t shout, and don’t let them shout at you. Also, be sure that you are specific. You have to give reasons why you do not like someone, and how it affects your child. For example, do not say “They smell like smoke.” As how they smell does not affect your child’s well-being. But, “You are getting harder to reason with, and have a shorter temper.” That is a good way to show them what you specifically are having a problem with.

Help them replace their friend with something or someone else. If you do not like your kid’s friends, you can’t expect them to just give them up, you have to help them find something to replace it. Sign them up for a sport or activity they are interested in. Give them lessons, etc.

Or, Wait it out! Sometimes your child’s own best judgment will aid them in the end.

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