Posts Tagged: positive parenting

Parenting — Comments Off
20
Mar 11

Parenting 101 – How Can Traditional Games Benefit Your Child?

For the past few years, I’ve talked to parents complaining about their kids and their online or computer habits.

“They spend too much time playing online games. No time for homework,” reports a single mom.

“When my child loses a game, he yells at me,” adds a frustrated mother.

“My son forgets to eat meals. He’s so immersed with it that he completely ignores me,” says another.

I feel bad for them but it’s true. Our children are simply bombarded with tons of new online stuffs. I’m not against online games. At least, they have some role in engaging our kids. But most of these online games are designed to entertain and so after a while, some kids get bored. And if done in excess, some even become grouchy.

Meanwhile, traditional games are overlooked if not ignored. When I say traditional games, I’m not just referring to old, classic games. I consider most board, word, or card games as traditional games because they don’t use computer or “hi-tech” gadgets.

Unlike traditional games, today’s online games don’t involve social interaction. If permitted, kids can stay with the computer all day long. Instead of spending time with their parents, siblings, or friends, they spend time with a cold, lifeless machine. And this is where the problem comes in — the lack of connection with a human soul.

How can traditional games help kids?

First, traditional games can help kids learn to acknowledge their emotions, although indirectly. During play, kids learn to deal with frustration after a loss, with excitement after a win, with anger after getting a “bad turn,” with anxiety when pride is on the line.

By playing traditional games, kids also learn how to communicate politely with other players. They show empathy to players who loses, become assertive with those who bend the rules, and control their temper when others become rowdy.

I strongly believe in the educational value of traditional games. Hence about three years ago, I developed a board game — now known as Oikos Game –designed not only to entertain and to create fun but also to provide an educational experience for parents and kids. Learning through play is one of the ways to teach life lessons to kids. Second, traditional games provide a venue for families to spend time together, to generate lively banter, and to communicate with one another –done in the spirit of fun. The time spent each day to play with kids is a time well-spent. At the end of the day, what kids remember are the happy times spent with their parents and siblings. It won’t matter to them who wins or loses.

They will cherish those moments of togetherness and treasure those periods of laughter. The closeness and warmth among family members will forever be celebrated.

Kids love to connect with their parents. They need to feel secure, to be affirmed, to be listened to. They want frequent hugs, comforting words, and even high fives. If given a choice, most kids will prefer a warm, genuine touch and a caring, healing voice over an online game.

So a daily thirty-minute playtime with kids is an occasion to help families thrive.

Third, traditional games stimulate the brain through logical thinking and strategy. Studies have shown that to keep our brain healthy, we need to frequently stimulate it. Through reading, learning new things, playing word or board games, solving puzzles, or doing physical activities, our brain stays fit.

Like many specialists, I’ve recommended brain-stimulating activities to individuals who suffer from dementia. In my experience, those who often play card or word games and solve puzzles get worse slower than those who don’t. Indeed, our brain also needs “mental aerobics” to keep it sharp and healthy.

In summary, traditional games allow families to have quality time together while improving relationships, creating laughter, keeping the brain healthy, and strengthening the bond that glue the family’s fabric.

Parenting — Comments Off
11
Feb 11

Parenting – A New Way of Thinking

Parenting is easy – what a radical thing to even say or think! In this day and age you are almost looked at as crazy or a liar if you think positively rather than negatively. It is popular to complain and discuss how hard life is with children. Look at the following phrases which are so commonly repeated:

1)”Being a mother is hard – I don’t even have time to take a shower or use the toilet!”
2)”Relationships are difficult. They take a lot of hard work.”
3)”You have to work hard if you want to make money in this world.”

These three phrases are almost part of our everyday vernacular. Is every mother not able to shower or use the toilet? No. Millions of women have set up routines in their lives so that they are able to have time to look after themselves.

Are relationships difficult for everyone? No. There are millions of people who feel like they are married to their best friend and that life spent together is pure joy.

Is everyone who is earning good money working hard? Absolutely not. In fact more and more people are doing what they love and working less!

So… does parenting need to be difficult? No. Years ago, parents just had children. Those children went along with the family’s routines and they all led a relatively slow life together. Did children misbehave? Sometimes, that is normal. But, did it send the parents into a quandary? No. Today, parents are overwhelmed by life, living quickly, driving children around from one lesson to the next and often times not eating together as a family. Does it have to be this way? Absolutely not.

We all have a choice. If we choose to lead a slow life by eliminating most extra-curricular activities and create more time for family togetherness, we will feel less stressed in our families. And, if we think there are certain parenting skills we could learn that could make life a lot easier for us, then we can choose to seek guidance.

It’s time to start a new phrase that people will begin repeating, “Parenting is great, isn’t it?”

Parenting — Comments Off
3
Nov 10

3 Styles of Leadership, Parenting, Personhood – Only 1 That Works

This is something that not only works relating to leadership; it works in all facets of life where there’s a reliance on relationships working and good rapport toward peace and equity outcomes. That probably covers the vast majority of situations we could find ourselves in, from buying milk at the corner delicatessen to heading up a major corporation.

The Human Synergistics’ Circumplex explains all. The 12-faceted disc encompassing constructive, passive-defensive and aggressive-defensive leadership styles categorises leaders as either encouraging, requiring or driving individuals–regarding their preferred ways of managing people.

1.Style One – Passive/Defensive – “Requiring”

“Requiring” leaders are restrictive in that they seek their people to please the customer, conform to ‘the mould,’ clear all decisions through correct channels, and avoid mistakes to the point of inaction.

“Requiring” parents likewise will defer to others, pleasing them, to the potential expense of the child’s best needs. They’ll not take any risks i.e. little ‘faith’ is exercised, and this will frustrate their children. They’ll also be overly inclined to blame their kids–in submitting to others–when managing their kids’ inappropriate actions, not accepting any responsibility themselves.

“Requiring” people are people pleasers, bent to the shape of a world that would have them ‘required’ (extrinsically) to do things they don’t believe in. These are the “submissives” of the world.

These are “lose/win” people. They lose so that others can win. They focus at being good.

2. Style Two – Aggressive/Defensive – “Driving”

“Driving” leaders are restrictive for basically the opposite reasons that “requiring” leaders are. They seek their people to: eliminate mistakes–highlighting them to them in their perfection; conform to ‘their mould,’ to the point of bullying; and, do things to gain a competitive edge–even if that means behaving inappropriately. They set unrealistic goals for their people based on narrowly-defined objectives. They win at almost all costs.

“Driving” parents likewise will implicitly compete with other parents by using their kids as ’superior pawns,’ highlighting their own shallow ’superiority.’ Again, this is to the expense of the child’s best needs. They’ll possibly take inordinate risks i.e. too much ‘faith’ is exercised, and this will embarrass their children.

They’ll also not be very inclined to accept responsibility for managing their kids’ inappropriate actions–for these parents, others “attack” their children wantonly. Their kids seemingly can do no wrong.

“Driving” people are generally overtly selfish, bent to the shape of their own egos, driving an agenda that starts and finishes with their own needs, to the detriment of others. These are the “aggressives” of the world.

These are “win/lose” people. They win, and in doing so at a competitive advantage, others can only lose. They focus at looking good.

3. Style Three – Constructive – “Encouraging”

“Encouraging” leaders are prescriptive, and in doing so, they guide and direct appropriately. They seek to encourage their people to: achieve appropriately; to grow, develop and enjoy their work; and, to treat all others in the team respectfully and be friendly and cooperative. They focus on giving and receiving constructive, balanced feedback.

“Encouraging” parents will actively nurture healthy, vibrant relationships with their kids. Other parents will feel quite relaxed that their kids are friends of those with encouraging parents. These parents issue a balanced ‘faith’ in their kids, encouraging them to achieve appropriately–they know when and how to push them. Unlike the former two parents, they’ll be very inclined to accept responsibility for managing their kids’ inappropriate actions.

“Encouraging” people are generally balanced and positive people, driving an agenda that starts and finishes with the collective needs of all. These are the “assertives” of the world.

These are “win/win” people. They search for outcomes where everyone comes out on top. They focus at doing good.

Conclusion

Do you focus on being good, looking good or doing good? The first two styles represent essentially a “faith disconnect,” acknowledging that it takes a lot of courage, humility and self-honesty to be a consistently constructive leader, parent and person.

To finish, I was recently reminded of a poignant expression that gets at the heart of this issue: that of character; that deep, visceral “soulish” component to our inner person.

“What embitters the world is not excess of criticism, but an absence of self-criticism.” -G.K. Chesterton.

The person, who routinely searches themselves in a healthy way, attending to the internal and external feedback they receive, will succeed as a leader, parent and person.

?2009, S. J. Wickham.

Parenting — Comments Off
30
Aug 10

Praise With Impact

Praising and encouraging kids can be difficult for many people. It just doesn抰 come naturally. They are hard-wired for criticism rather than praise.

Some children, particularly boys, feel awkward receiving praise unless it is done carefully. It can be misconstrued as being manipulative and not genuine, particularly when it is simply a throw-away line. Praise can become meaningless for some kids unless it is done with a little thought and care.

There are three types of praise that have positive impact on children抯 (as well as adults? behaviour and self-esteem.

1. Descriptive praise: Throw a spotlight on the behaviours that kids do well. Rather than a trite 憌ell done?draw a word picture of what they did well and let them know its impact. Tell them what you see and how you feel. 揥ow. You have tidied the room really well and put everything back where it should be. It抯 a pleasure to come into the living room.? Such comments genuinely made become stored in their bank of skills and builds up their confidence.

Private praise is more effective than public praise for boys as they can become embarrassed being praised in front of their friends or relatives.

Use for: keeping house rules, changing poor behaviour (when combined with ignoring some of their poor behaviour)

2. Summary praise: Give your child a positive label to live up to by summing up their positive behaviours with one word. 揧ou really worked hard to finish your project. That抯 what I call persistence.?揧ou cleaned up the kitchen without being told. You are a self-starter.?Persistence and self-starter become part of your children抯 ICRS (Internal Character Reference System).
Use for: kids who lack confidence, kids of all ages but particularly those under 10 as they really use parents as reference points

3. Self-praise: Praise is always bit more powerful when it comes from yourself so allow children to brag a little. 揑 did that well.?揑 am really pleased with the way I did that.?揑 did the best I could.?揑 love the art I did at school today.?Teaching kids to self-praise can be a little tricky but you can start by asking them how they feel about their efforts. When you use descriptive feedback you actually show kids how to self-praise.

Some kids need to be cued regarding self-praise -揂re you pleased with yourself because you tried your best in the game??Encourage them to say they are pleased with themselves rather than just agree with you. This gets them in the habit of self-praise.

Use for: kids who always want your reassurance, use for children抯 efforts rather than behaviour

There are plenty of people in your child抯 life who are critical of them ?including their peers and maybe siblings. It is a parent抯 job to tell kids what is right about them, so spend a little time telling kids what you see and feel when they do something well. Make up positive labels that they can add to their Internal Character Reference Systems and encourage them to brag a little when they have done something well..

Parenting — Comments Off
5
Mar 10

How to Parent in Today’s Changing World

Whether we want to admit it or not, our instant-gratification culture is shaping our children, both now and for the long-term. America’s families have been burdened with numerous problems, such as incredible debt, broken relationships, and a disconnected younger generation plagued by serious issues. Teen pregnancy, drug use and even suicide are issues that may face our children someday. How can we change this?

Turn it Inside Out

The Inside Out philosophy encompasses several important ideas and strategies that can help you parent in today’s changing world. First and foremost, you need to have the commitment and confidence to look inside yourself as a person and parent. It’s important to recognize that you are the driver of the bus on your life’s journey. Once you embrace this concept, you will stop going along for the ride, and so will your kids. So, let’s get started.

Who’s Vision is it Anyway?

First, create a home environment that kids can rely on. What does that mean? Well, your kids should know what your family is all about. What is your family culture? What’s important, acceptable, or unacceptable in your family? Just think how your family might be different if more time was spent on sharing your vision instead of watching television. Keep in mind that while we should teach acceptance of others as different and unique, your family culture is how you’ve decided to raise your kids, so stick to it! By creating that strong family unit, you will give kids something to go back to and hold on to when times get tough. And as kids are exposed to the world around them, they will refer back to vision that you gave them.

What’s in your Toolbox?

Giving kids the tools to make good decisions and understand the consequences of those choices is one of the most important things that we can do as parents. As toddlers, kids start to learn about right and wrong. Modeling is a key way that we all learn, especially children. So, let kids see your decision making process. Let them be included in family decisions, pointing out the various consequences of the different choices that could be made.

Believe it or Not

Recent research counters the commonly held theory that teenagers don’t think before they act. Instead, researchers found that teens review their options and the consequences, however they often see the benefits of their choice as outweighing a potential negative consequence. What does this mean for you as a parent? It means that we need to create an open dialogue with our kids as well as opportunities to role play such moments. It’s not enough to tell kids not to do something. Rather, kids need to experience it first hand. Naturally occurring consequences are the best teachers. If I choose to wear an outfit that doesn’t match, I may get made fun of and will therefore take more time picking out my clothes. Help kids think these choices through and discuss the various paths that they might go down with each one.

Give your Kids a Gift

Finally, help each of your children to discover the things that they are passionate about. Kids’ confidence will soar as they learn and grow with their passion. There is no need to be a superstar at anything, however loving what you do is a lesson well learned at a young age. Then, you can encourage your child to give back to others by sharing their gift. Can they sing or read to elderly people? Can they walk a dog for a homebound neighbor? Can they babysit for a single mom? Giving back to others is one sure way to feel confident and you are never to young to start making the world a better place. Not only will your child start looking Inside themselves for the answers, but others will start looking up to them as well.

Michele Regan has been in the field of child and parent education for 16 years. Her graduate studies in the field of Special Education generated her interest in brain research and human potential. She offers speaking events on a variety of topics, such as parenting and education, all with a focus on the Inside Out philosophy. Known for interactive, real-life approach, Ms. Regan’s events are fun and engaging, while the strategies she presents will be easily applied by the participants. Her events and informational products are always timely as she is constantly reviewing current research and incorporating that into her hands-on approach.

Ms. Regan is also the founder of [http://www.TheGoodLifeToday.net] – a website for parents and those that care for children. Her FREE weekly newsletter Positive Parenting is the perfect way for busy parents to get some inspirational insight and practical tips to make their lives at home easier. Watch for upcoming teleseminars and other products that will help parents incorporate the Inside Out philosophy into their daily lives.