Posts Tagged: relationships

Holidays — Comments Off
19
Apr 11

How Do You Relate to Your Relations?

The holidays are fast approaching with a multitude of family traditions. Some are overwhelming and some are endearing. But they all are a part of our story. Whether you have healthy family relationships or dysfunctional ones, families create that sense of belonging. Here are some ideas for making the most of your time together.

1) Set aside a specific time to have a conversation alone with each person. My uncle did this when we had a Thanksgiving Family Reunion, and it made me feel really special. I was in middle school at the time, but it is still a memory I cherish. Don’t know what to talk about? How about their favorite activities? Dreams for the future? Biggest challenge at school or work?

2) Play games together. Games are great ice-breakers and give a task to focus on. Once the laughter rolls in, there’s no limit to the fun a family can have. Your relatives don’t like to play games? No problem! Get out a jigsaw puzzle or pop some popcorn and watch a movie together. There is always something good to watch this time of year! Here are a few of our family’s favorite games: Apples to Apples, Trivial Pursuit, Dominoes, Phase Ten, Skipbo, Taboo, Rook and Uno.

3) Come with reasonable expectations. Ever feel let-down after being with kin? The holidays can be a stressful time to be together with high anticipations about what will take place. Suzie, Donna, Frank and Ralph might each come with different presumptions. It’s impossible to make everyone happy all of the time! Instead, cut each other some slack and come looking for ways to serve your family. Everyone will be blessed in the process.

Parenting — Comments Off
9
Apr 11

Leaving the Work Force to Stay at Home With Your Children

There is no greater joy than watching your children grow and learn, especially when you are the one teaching them. Being a stay at home mom is indeed rewarding, exciting, exhilarating, gratifying and precious. However, it can also be exhausting, stressful, busy, lonely and financially difficult. Consider these points to help you make your decision:

Finances- Living from only one income is often the biggest tie-breaker when making this decision. Keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be. Many at home parents find a happy medium supplementing with part time or work from home jobs. This helps to offset the stress of drastically reducing your family’s income. In most cases, living on a reduced income means that sacrifices are in short order.

What expenses are you willing to cut back on in order to make your goal a reality, like:
Family vacations
Eating at home vs. eating out
Cable TV
Cut back to one vehicle
Buy generic brand products
Clip coupons
Car Pool
Make your own bread and other baked goods
Do your own manicures
Creating a budget

Be Realistic- Contrary to what you may think, stay at home moms are extremely busy. Children demand a lot of attention. Obviously, you and your children will be spending more time at home than you were before. The laundry will inevitably pile up, so will the dishes. There are appointments to keep, errands to run, groceries to buy, and events to attend. Kids always need to eat, and then there’s that family time thing, the reason why you wanted to stay home in the first place. You will find yourself wondering how you ever had enough time for everything when you worked full time.

Identity Crisis- How much of your identity comes from your career? Will you feel ashamed to go from “Nurse Nancy” to “Mom”? Can you find other ways to feel fulfilled as a stay at home mother?

Lonliness- Like other stay at home moms, you may find that you are lonely. Moms who stay home could go days without seeing a familiar face, besides their spouse. Those who are by nature, introverts will more than likely adjust to the life of a stay at home mom without difficulty. Moms who are very social may find themselves lonely or depressed, and even resentful of their mate who works full time.

Moms who require more social interaction should plan to create a support system of friends and family. Organizing play dates, becoming a member of the P TA, getting a gym membership or taking an evening enrichment class are just a few ideas to help keep social moms stimulated.

Less Alone Time- Just because a lot of stay at home moms become lonely, doesn’t mean they are alone. Moms of younger children may find it difficult to use the bathroom without an audience.

Circle of Friends- Some at home mothers find that their circle of friends change after they make the transition. Parents who work full time have a hard time relating to those who stay at home with their children. As a stay at home mom, you might feel disconnected from working parents as well.

Beginning And End To Your Day- Parents who work typically have a defined beginning and end to their days. They get up at 6am to get everyone where they need to go, and when they come home, they eat dinner and put the kids to bed. Stay at home moms find that their routine changes frequently. Suddenly, when your child is sick, you are the on-call baby sitter. There is no more lunch break or fifteen minute breather. When the kids are finally asleep, it’s time to clean up the days messes. Staying at home with your children is a 24 hour job.

Discipline- Child rearing is perhaps one of the least favorite aspects of parenting, but someone has to do it. Since you will not be counting on your child care provider to do this for you, you will need to decide how comfortable you are with it. We all know that a child left to himself will disgrace his mother, and we can’t have that!

A Thankless Job- Many working parents hold jobs where rewards and appreciation are commonplace. Can you do without the monthly award ceremonies and thank you cards? Sometimes being a stay at home mom seems like the most thankless job in the universe. You may find yourself feeling unappreciated because your family becomes oblivious to all that you do for them every day. You don’t always get a “thanks, mom”. How important is instant gratification to you?

Arguments over who works more- Many stay at home parents find themselves in discussions about who works more. The full time worker is carrying the weight of the entire households financial stress on their shoulders. At the same time, Mom is running an entire household. Her job is 24/7 and at times when she feels unappreciated and wants a break, Dad may not be excited about watching the children because he has worked all day. How will you handle this?

Support From Spouse, Parents, and In-Laws- The fact is, you will find yourself more exhausted than you’ve ever been. You will need a break from your spouse and children. You may also want time alone with your partner. Since finances will be crunched, you won’t always want to hire a sitter. This is why the support of your spouse, parents and in laws is crucial, when they are available.

Resentment Of Working Parents- The demands placed on a mom are truly over whelming. You will likely find yourself wondering how you ever thought that working full time was busier than staying home with your kids. You may even find yourself envious and resentful of working parents who have the “privilege” of going to work each day. Your point of view of someone who works may change so much that you begin to think of the drive to work as alone time.

Emotions- Anger, guilt, frustration, confusion, fear, inadequacy and losing your sense of direction are just some of the emotions you might experience as you make the transition to stay home with your children. Accessing your support system will be critical in keeping your mental state healthy as you deal with the adjustment. How will you keep your emotions in check?

Remember, whatever decision you make, it has to be right for you and your family. In most cases, your decision to stay home or work is not a life sentence. A stay at home mom can always go back to work if it proves to be too much. At the same time, a working mom can almost always make the transition to staying home. For some families, the transition to staying at home to raise the children is not a voluntary job. In this economy, many parents are finding themselves unemployed. The does not mean that considering the above points is in vain. You will still face most of these issues regardless of the reason why. Finally, try to stay positive. Keep your communication with your partner open and honest, and try to be understanding of each other as much as possible.

Holidays — Comments Off
13
Feb 11

Top Ten Tips To A Terrific Valentine’s Day – For Women in Relationships

So Valentine抯 Day is upon us yet again, and most of us want to be wooed and romanced by the one that we love. Hopefully that will be the case, but either way, here are some suggestions for how you can do your part to make this day a special day for you and your guy:

1. Send a nice note or treat with him to work – put it where it won抰 be found until later, if you can. Write something sweet or sexy or both – whatever he prefers (sexy is usually a safe bet!), and let him know that you appreciate all that he does for you.

2. Schedule time to prepare to see him at the end of the day – prepare as though it was your first date. You know what that means: shave the TOP of your legs, make sure your toenails are pretty, remove any unwanted hair, etc.

3. Break out the lacy lingerie. He has seen enough of your comfy-wear. Give him a treat. Men are very visual and this will be greatly appreciated, if only for the brief time you might be wearing it.

4. Wear something sexy on top of the lingerie. Remember about men being very visual? Even if you are not going out, he will like to feel like he is still worth the effort that you put into grooming yourself when you were first dating.

5. If you have children, try to get them to bed early.

6. Give your man time to unwind when he gets home – perhaps a foot rub or just some quiet time with no kids, no demands.

7. Tell him why you fell in love with him and what you love about him today.

8. Do NOT talk about chores, future plans, projects, problems, etc., just for one night. Everything (except an emergency) can wait until tomorrow.

9. Let him know that you think that he is attractive and sexy – try to be creative.

10. Don抰 Forget: call or e-mail your single girlfriends and wish them a Happy Valentine抯 Day. Meet them for lunch if you can.

Women like to be pampered on Valentine抯 Day (and every other day, for that matter!). But there are two people in your relationship, and sometimes it takes one person to start making an effort at romance to get things moving along in the right direction again. Why not let it be you? Remember how fun it was seducing him early in the relationship? Try it again and see how you like it – and see how much he likes it. You may find yourself with a more attentive man on your hands. How great is that?

Parenting — Comments Off
6
Jan 11

Initiation and the Teenager

In pre-industrial cultures, the transition from childhood to adulthood was accomplished in a short time span, and often accompanied by a decisive ceremony, such as the Jewish Bar Mitzvah. Nelson Mandela describes in painful detail the day, at sixteen, when he was accepted into adulthood in a traditional ceremony of circumcision. Each boy is trained to cry out, at the very moment of circumcision, ‘Ndiyindoda!’ which means, ‘I am a man!’. The ceremony, over several days, takes place in an isolated place, where special lodges had been constructed to house the 26 young men being initiated at the same time.

Western society has for the most part lost the remnants of such initiation rites, and has both extended and blurred the gap between childhood and adulthood. The phrase Adolescent was first coined in 1905 by G Stanley Hall, and by the 1950’s the concept of the ‘teenager’ had arrived; a half-child, half-adult creature who hovers uncertainly between dependence and acceptance, and for whom the transition will last for anything from six years upwards. All the signs are that adolescence is getting longer, as children enter the phase sooner, and wait longer, by choice or default, to settle into stable relationships and fixed economic activity.

In this sense it seems fair to describe adolescence as an artificial extension of the initiation process: thus there is work to do in helping young people and parents through it, and in applying Biblical wisdom. The emotional needs of the child are the same as they might be were the initiation process condensed into a short ceremony. Adolescents stand caught between memories of the childhood they now know to be over and prospects of an adulthood in which they have not yet tested out their skills.

They need:

* To know that they belong and are loved, and that the family that has nurtured them to date will still be there for them: not casting them out but helping them to move on.

* To know that there is a place for them in the adult society into which they are being initiated.

At the end of a seminar, a nineteen year old took issue with the presenter for saying teenagers were not adults. She was angry and hurt and asked how dare they make such a statement when she felt strongly that she was in every way an adult and challenged the concept being put forward that teenagers were still children.

Parenting — Comments Off
8
Dec 10

My Son’s Perfect Woman

Is there such a thing as the perfect woman? This occurred to me during a bedtime talk with my 9-year old son. He mentioned that he couldn’t wait for college because “there is a time and place for everything,” he said, “and that’s college.” Curious by what he thought happened in college, he informed me that he would meet his perfect woman there. What came next is what disturbed me the most.

He described his “perfect woman” as a “girl with long, dangly hair, a small nose, a tiny butt, big boobs, lots of lipstick,” and most of all, “a clear face without any pimples or freckles.” Oh, and yes, she must wear tennis shoes instead of high heels. Once I regained my composure and resisted the urge to ensue a lesson on sexism, I asked him what type of personality he wanted in this perfect woman. His response? “That doesn’t matter, mom.”

But it does matter.

It’s no wonder that women have body image issues. If a 9-year old boy, raised in a single mom household with more female influence than most boys his age, has already established the ability to pass judgment on women based solely on appearance, where is the hope for the rest of society, a society that is preoccupied with body parts, bikini-clad models, and the thinness of celebrities.

So, I took the time to discuss the importance of internal and external features in a mate, promptly putting him to sleep faster than a bedtime story. My sense of hope for society was renewed, though, when I asked my 10-year old daughter her thoughts on the perfect woman. She replied with, “Duh, mom, that would be me.” I love her confidence, confidence that will surely put her brother in his place once he reaches that time and place, known as college.

Parenting — Comments Off
1
Dec 10

Should Mentally Challenged Kids Be Alienated From Their Families?

Rejoice! The baby is born.

Those parents, who might have already had the horrifying experience of being confronted in their past, with that one single moment, in which it had felt like being hit by a bolt of lightning, would better understand the misery and helplessness associated with the crude reality of giving birth to, and nurturing, a mentally challenged baby. The journey of such grief stricken parents, generally, starts with irreconcilable shock and uncontrolled tears but gradually ends in acceptance, mitigation and salvaging whatever is left. Did I say salvaging? Some parents get so much blinded with grief and mental chaos that they tend to (unintentionally) ignore the ’salvaging’ part by neglecting their other children. What happens to the siblings in a house infested with insanity, violence, screams, depression and frenzy? The parents are, no doubt, the worst sufferers but are the siblings any less affected?

Let me share a story (true story) with you and you decide for yourself, the best recourse in such situations. This is a story about a girl who spent her entire childhood and youth witnessing the aggression and violence of her mentally challenged sister. I had a long talk with her once but towards the end of the conversation, I was completely at a loss; I wasn’t able to identify someone who could be held responsible for her predicament. Assessing the state of affairs from where she stood, my heart went out to her. It seemed that even after being married for a very long time, the memories of her unhealthy childhood had left deep rooted scars on her psyche. She looked at me with those empty eyes and started off by saying, “we do certain things which seem so right at a given point of time and later keep wishing for the rest of our lives that we hadn’t.”

Without stepping into an arena of passing a verdict, let me put down the excerpt (from our conversation) for your perusal and we’ll proceed from thereon. At this juncture, I wouldn’t like to miss an opportunity to confess that her life story inspired me to an extent that I compiled her eye-opening experiences in my Novel, ‘From the desk of a daughter’ (Link given below). Let’s move further. Here is what she said.

From the eyes of a sibling…

“My parents had turned every stone possible with a hope to see Nancy (mentally challenged sister) at least approach normalcy but over the years all their hopes had died down. Her violent behavior aggravated as she grew up. She would not let anyone enter our house and have a normal conversation with my parents; I never recollect having been able to talk to my mother or father for more than a few seconds, at any given point of time. She would start crying and shouting on the top of her voice whenever she saw any one of us talking to each other or to any visitor, for that matter. A strange behavior for which no doctor had an answer! It used to be a source of huge embarrassment for my parents. The worst thing she did to us was that we lost contact with the outside world; no visitors allowed.

We could not even put Nancy in some special school as there were no such schools in the city we lived in. Very soon I realized that there was no social life left for us. More than any of us this proved detrimental to my father’s career as his profession needed him to be socially active. Who doesn’t know that one cannot survive in journalism by confining himself to his house for most of the time! It was like a fish out of water twitching on dry earth and still hoping to live. I saw him, struggling, barely being able to support his family and always under a constant fear of losing his job. He denied many lucrative work opportunities which could have proved a boon for his career, just for the reason that he could not travel out of the city, leaving his wife all alone to take care of Nancy, who was a total liability and needed one person round the clock to take care of her needs. The doctors had told my parents soon after Nancy’s birth that she could never be a normal person and that it would be in the best interest of the family if the child was alienated and put in some kind of a facility so that the other members wouldn’t get affected by her abnormal behavior. I guess my father never felt strong enough to let his minor and mentally retarded daughter, go out of his sight even for a single day. It was indeed a dilemma! My parents had to make a choice and they made it; Nancy was to stay put ….”

Repercussions

Her parents had made a choice of keeping Nancy in the house as they never felt strong enough to put her in some facility but they probably overlooked the adverse affect it eventually had on their other two daughters (the youngest passed away when she was in High School). As I delved deep into her story, I could very well imagine what she might have gone through and what she might have had to withstand, with her heart bleeding and mouth shut all the time. I was surprised when she blatantly admitted that despite trying hard to be normal in her personal life, she was never able to live like any other woman. “May be I suffer from some psychological disorder which I don’t even know about.” She looked down as she ended up putting the entire blame on her own self, for her unsuccessful married and social life. What else could a daughter do?

Parenting — Comments Off
29
Nov 10

Dealing With Your Teenager and Inappropriate Fashion Trends

If you’re the parent of a teenager, then you know how teens like to keep up with the latest fashion trends. This is understandable, as teens are trying to establish their own identity, outside of identifying with their parents. However, there is the likelihood that some of these fashions may seem inappropriate, even to the most lenient of parents, and especially to those who are more conservative in nature. You don’t really want your daughter in short shorts, or low cut tops, and you probably don’t want your son looking like a thug or hoodlum. Where do you draw the line between your teen dressing in trendy fashions and dressing inappropriately? Perhaps, more importantly, how do you draw the line?

When it comes to dealing with your teenager and the fashion trends you don’t find acceptable, your first reaction may be to lay down the law, and rule with an iron fist. You are the parent, after all, and in your home, your rules must be followed. That’s a fair agreement, isn’t it? However, this sort of philosophy may do more harm than good. Just think back to when you were a teenager. Most likely, you would respond unfavorably to being told how to dress by your parents. That may have worked well as a child, but teenagers want to establish their own independence and identity. The best option is to take a different approach than the authoritarian one.

One of the many cases where you most certainly should speak with your teen about their fashion choices is where those choices could end up causing harm. Many of the teen fashion trends involve wearing clothes that are quite revealing. This can send a dangerous message that your teen is marketing himself or herself sexually. Your teenager probably won’t see it this way, but those who see your child very well may get that message, whether it was intended or not.

In this case, you should sit down and explain your concerns. Let your teen know that there is the possibility that sexual predators may interpret their provocative fashion style as being an invitation to receive attention. Calmly explain that if this is not the message that he or she wishes to send, then perhaps it would be wise to reconsider his or her fashion choices. Taking the time to explain the logical reasons behind your concerns will be more likely to be effective than simply demanding, “You aren’t leaving the house in those clothes.” You may even find that your teenager feels a sense of gratitude that you treated him/her in a more adult manner, and be more compliant with your wishes, realizing that your position on the issue stems from actual concerns for his or her well being.

You and your teenager should also be aware that fashion trends can sometimes change rapidly. What’s in today, may be out in just a few months, never to come back in style. It’s entirely possible that the fashion trend your teenager seems so enamored with, and that you detest so much will be a quickly passing phase.

You could also work together with your teen to look at trends that the two of you can agree upon. There is a wide variety of fashion magazines and online fashion sites that you can explore with your teen to look at alternative trends that may be more acceptable. You can point out things that, whether you appreciate the taste of them or not, are fashions that you would find to be within the confines of what is acceptable. This could also turn into a fun bonding experience, as well as a good way to come to a compromise with your teenager.

One more benefit of finding common ground with your teenager on what fashions are acceptable is that it could reduce friction between your teen and school dress code policy. Just as teenagers don’t like being told “you can’t wear that” by you, they can also resent the enforcement of a school dress code. Schools often prohibit students from wearing certain types of clothing, especially offensive or revealing clothes. Learning to work together with your teen may have the benefit of preventing an issue with school authorities from ever becoming a problem, or resulting in any sort of suspension or disciplinary action.

Taking these few steps to try to cooperate with you teenager instead of ruling your teenager should help reduce the level of conflict that you have between each other. Teens like to be fashionable, but that doesn’t mean that they have to wear things that are inappropriate. By working together, you can help your teenager to understand why it is your duty as a parent to impose a more responsible sense of fashion.

Parenting — Comments Off
22
Sep 10

10 Ways Single Parents Can Make School Days the Best Possible

1. Homework Ideas

Create a place and routine to do homework – When Lillie wanted to watch TV while doing homework because she studied better that way. I began to argue with her until she pointed out she is a straight A student. So I told her that she could do her homework in this way until her grades slipped. It never did. John wanted to paint his room black. I resisted and set a high goal for him to get this. It took him years before he was able to paint his room. He did so much better with his school work, I wish I had let him paint his room sooner. And with his Oak furniture, even I liked the effect.

2. Meet The Teacher

Make a point to attend open house, and conferences

3. Volunteer

Pick something during the year to volunteer for like field trips, homeroom activities, or something you can do from home

4. Opportunities

Get to know what the school has to offer. There may be a bulletin board where you can put your needs. Does your school offer counseling, speech therapy or other services?

5. PTA Meetings

Go to these meetings, you’ll meet other parents and sometimes there are great speakers.

6. Plan For The Cost Of The Extras

It seemed to me the kids were always needing $1-2 for special projects and field trips for the NEXT day. I didn’t always have extra money . So I started and envelope for each of them so I’d have it set aside to be ready.

7. Set Expectations

what you expect from your child and what your child can expect from you

8. Comparisons

Don’t compare your child with other children. This frustrates them and will be a discouragement. Help them to find their strengths and talents. Even if they have a talent, do they have the passion? Lillie has talent with music both in playing an instrument as well as singing. However, she wasn’t interested in either enough to do them more than one year in school. When she took an art course in High School, she had the passion that matched her talent. She has continued to paint years after her initial class.

9. Learning Style

Find out your child’s learning style. Many schools cater to audio and visual learners. What does that mean for the child who is kinesthetic? How do you help your child fit into an environment that isn’t suited to their strength?

10. Start The Day Out Right

Make you all have a great breakfast. Even quick and easy breakfasts can be nutritional. Have a staging area where you child can put everything needed for school the night before.

Parenting — Comments Off
10
Sep 10

The Gemini Child – What You Need to Know

A Gemini child is usually quite witty and this can be noticed at quite an early age. They are usually clever and this is demonstrated in the way they are able to grasp and make the normal childhood developmental milestones unusually fast. When the right relationships are made with these children, their talents and potential can be identified and developed so that it becomes useful in future.These children are able to talk and express themselves well and are also able to read and write at a slightly earlier age. The only shortcoming here is that they may become too restless especially when grouped with children who are slightly slower. The caregiver needs to teach this child to obey authority while at the same time allowing the child enough room to explore in order to avoid the child getting cranky. It is advisable to develop a bond with such a child so as to understand the child and to know when one is overstepping the line.

These individuals develop a curious mind when they are very little. This aspect of their character leads them to be very inquisitive. It is important for whoever spends the most time with these children to understand their unique character. This will help the guardian who may get impatient or feel disturbed by the child’s inquiries which may at times become too much. For instance, they always want to know everything about anything that surrounds them. It is common to find such kids asking what every item in the kitchen, store, or anywhere else in the house is particularly used for. The Gemini child is also usually very restless and cannot quite finish up on any particular activity. If not very carefully attended, they may never finish doing important things including eating or even small chores as they always want to begin doing something else. It is therefore wise for the caregiver to take time with these children and look for ways of capturing the child’s attention until they finish a particular task.

Just as the Gemini adult is affectionate, the little ones are also known to be loving and gentle. Like their zodiac symbol, they hold relationships very strongly and it is easy to hurt their feelings. One should be very careful when they communicate them as the manner in which such sessions are carried out determines the immediate behavior of the child. These children usually like doing things their own way and so they feel offended when they are reprimanded. They however are very appreciative when their opinion is sought, reason is applied and they are made to understand rather than when rules are simply imposed on them.

Parenting — Comments Off
3
Sep 10

Parenting the Teenager

Parenting the teenager is not an easy task for most parents. It takes a lot of patience, determination and creativity. There may no magic spell to change how teens act, but you can change them through learning several approaches on how to deal with kids. When applied, you will be surprised at how good the results will be.

There are instances that you find yourself begging for something from your teenager. Say, you are asking him to go somewhere with the whole family and he refuses to go with you. Forced, as he gets inside the car, he starts to complain at how miserable his life at the present. This obviously will lead to a serious argument and you will realize how hard parenting the teenager truly is.

Almost everyone agree that parenting the teenager could be the most challenging part of a parent. You have tried everything just to please your teen but you have not been able to connect with him or her at any point. You sometimes would come to a point of asking yourself if you have done wrong and how this sweet little baby had turned into a hostile one.

As mentioned, parenting the teenager takes a lot of patience. But instead of getting angry or frustrated, as a parent, he maybe its better if you had just remember that these teens anywhere have different wishes when it comes to their body, their clothes, their friends and even to their lifestyles. Teenagers have started to reject everything that they relate from their childhood. They did not want their parents do things on behalf of them. They usually stop following the advises of their parents as they think that it would be just like as being a youngster that stops them from growing. The emotions of these teenagers might go down and up constantly while they are learning to get independent and trying to recognize and discover their individual personalities. So you can build a fine relationship with the kid, you have to realize your teens emotional changes. Give your teen a lot of responsibilities and let him make more decisions on his own.

Parenting the teenager will be easier, if you will just follow the five ways of building a good relationship with your kid.

1.Treat your kid like the person he is.

2.Always ask the opinion of your teen.

3.Don’t elaborate or judge any failures in life of your teen. Instead help him resolve the problems.

4.Always make your ear available to him.

5.Stay active with your kids life.

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