Posts Tagged: Self-esteem

Parenting — Comments Off
13
Jun 11

Never Tell Your Children Anything That Limits Them

It is unlikely that by the end of the decade every teenager on this planet can get in touch with their magnificence and begin a process of shedding all the limitations they were marinated in throughout their early years, but the opportunity does exist. Now this isn’t to take the responsibility away from the teenager, as he or she has chosen their own exploration of life. We do it for ourselves for the more joy we put out the more joyful life can be. On the other hand we see an environment in which our young are absorbing, the good and bad, the joyful and fearful. We add to it and improve it or allow it to be as it is. Children are left to interpret and form beliefs for themselves about everything from their health and intelligence to their security and freedom to the possibilities for their dreams or not. Lucky for us all, children are smarter than ever before and they are opening a new world without limits.

The expansion continues and the variety of possible choices is without end. You can enter from a position of royalty and be a brutal criminal or you can be born in a war torn society in abject poverty and find yourself on top of the world as a most loved and admired elegant entrepreneur. You can be born with life threatening diseases only to live a gold medalist dream. There are no limits on the variations of possibilities. We each can think greater than we did the day before. There are no ideas too big. Though the unfolding of human awareness is happening ‘on schedule’ we are now living in an era ripe for unimaginable jubilation and love and prosperous expansion.

Never before has there been such clarity of what is possible for the individual and the world at large. I heard it said 50 is the new 30 and that’s an exciting idea born of the growing awareness that seeking greater happiness and joy produces greater life. Within the next 10-20 years there will be as much advancement in human self discovery and technological know-how to equal all previous discoveries made in all of recorded history. These advances will be staggering.

It is my contention that the root of this new growth period will be grounded in the understanding that children are only limited by the conditions and circumstances we place upon them and our relatively new understanding of the relationship between emotions and self esteem. Children begin their discoveries into a world far more advanced than their parents and they do it with less restrictive minds. Their ability to recognize the laws of the universe enables them to reach for greater possibilities. Few would argue that as people have gotten older their limiting beliefs have taken a toll. You would need to ask a million adults before you could find one who thought teleportation was a possibility. Teenagers on the other hand have far greater latitude.

The future is bright for everyone really, the best of all that is possible on earth is cause for great joy and it is in this condition we all can play a part in the nurturing of our children. As low as a teenager may experience life at times, he or she has the capacity to provide and grow a seed of joy. It is in this environment that happiness and joy manifest the opportunities, the situations, the circumstances and occurrences of the fulfillment of their desires.

There will be a day when the educational institutions will recognize their limiting effects on their students and transform so as to deliver on their promise to provide an environment in which all children can discover their true nature and live a full life of joy and satisfaction.

Parenting — Comments Off
1
Jun 11

A Mother’s Lament – My Son Does Not Listen to Me

How may times have I heard moms say this? Usually it involves a preteen or teenage son. Often dad is not there, perhaps because of divorce. Mom is left alone with the kids.

I hope this article will shed some light on the subject so that both sons and moms can understand each other better-and love and not resent each other. I will address single and divorced moms, though my advice should prove enlightening for any mom or parent to be.

First of all, I understand that it is difficult to raise a child when you are a single mom. I have compassion for your situation. I wish your husband were there for you. But he is not. So I have to deal with the topic at hand.

There is an old expression: the boy is father to the man. And in keeping with this truism, a boy wants to someday be a man.

A boy wants to begin doing the things a man can do. He wants to be competent and good at something. He wants to be strong and courageous. He wants to know how to do things and fix things. We wants to be worthy of respect. He wants to one day be a good provider. He wants to be a man.

It is tough if dad is not there. It helps if there are role models around: teachers, neighbors, coaches, a good older brother, uncle, or grandpa.

But no matter how many or few role models there are around, a boy needs opportunities to be a man (albeit a young man).

Now, it takes a very wise and perceptive mom to be cognizant of the above and to defer a little and give him a chance to lead.

Many ladies do not realize what a force they are. It is easy to be bossy. It is easy for a mom, being older and being far more verbally skilled, to always be right. It is easy to always win the argument with your child. It is easy to accuse and berate. It even happens that a mom will unconsciously resent her son because he is a male (like other men she has resented) and who reminds her of them by the mere fact that he is a male.

Having experience violence or use at the hands of a man, it is tempting to put down her son. I’m sorry to have to say this. But it does happen and has to be mentioned.

Even the best of parents has a tendency to become a bit bossy and authoritarian at times. When we were kids we were bossed around. It feels good to turn around and do it to someone else. And yes, big brothers, big sisters, baby sitters, and aunts can and often are bossy too.

Mom gets used to issuing orders and commands. Being directive (as long as it is with kindness) is appropriate for little kids, who need direction. But when kids get older, delegation is often in order. When an older boy or girl is told what to do, there is no space for self direction. But self direction and the development of independence, self motivation, and responsibility are what older kids need.

Perhaps you can have some sympathy for the plight of the boy. Surrounded by mostly women authorities, and being bossed around, he hardly has a chance to be a man.

A wise mom (who has self esteem and love) will sometimes let her son lead. Remember the old fashioned style of dancing (such as ball room or square dancing)? The man leads. If mom occasionally lets her older son lead when it comes to a few decisions around the home, it is actually a gracious and noble thing.

If a boy has a chance to be the man of the family, serving as big brother to siblings, watching out for them, fixing things, and even sharing in decision making-you would be surprised how many will rise to the occasion.

It takes wisdom, grace and a lot of love to stand back and let the young man be protective and helpful. But it must not be too obvious. I love the old television shows (such as Andy of Mayberry, Leave It to Beaver, or Father Knows Best). They show how a parent can be vigilant without being intrusive. I love the old series The Big Valley, where the main character (played by Barbara Stanwyck) is the matriarch of a powerful California ranch family. She shows how to be strong but not pushy, and both competent and gracious. She had self esteem. Because she was not over-bearing, her kids were strong and had self esteem too.

It is amazing how much wisdom was written into these old television shows. For example, they often have a story about the parents sometimes secretly watching what one of the children is doing, but pretending not to see.

They stay in the shadows, vigilant and observant, ready to help out or even take charge if necessary-but hoping the child will do what is right on her own..

And even if the child makes a mistake (the parents watch to make sure that nothing really bad happens), it is a learning experience. The child was allowed to handle it himself (though the parents were quietly on guard). Another win-win is when the child sees for himself that he is in over his head and comes to the parents for advice.

There is even a passage in the Bible where it says that Mary watched her son from the distance and held things in her heart. Not everything has to be said. Some things are guarded in the heart. Nor does everything need to be said right away. People need a little space to discover for themselves.

Finally here’ is one of my favorite helpful hints for parents, and especially moms (since most single parent homes are headed by moms). I heard one of America’s top family experts casually state this gem as an aside. When I heard it, I immediately knew it was right and have never forgotten it.

He said this to parents, and especially parents of teenagers: “Don’t be so confrontational.”

When a parent disproves of something that a child has done, there is a tendency to get right in his face.

Not only is this painful to watch, and even more painful to be on the receiving end of, it tempts the child to become angry, or to become a wimp with secret hostility.

Give them some space. Remember the cute song “Talk to the Animals” from the movie Dr. Doolittle.

Talk to the family pet, talk to the pictures on the wall, talk to the stuffed animals on the shelf. Tell them what is going on. Say it so that your child can overhear what you are saying to the stuffed teddy bear on the shelf:

Say to the teddy bear: “I don’t know what to do. I’ve got company coming in half an hour, but John (the 12 year old son in question) says he has to go next door. I need someone to help me vacuum the living room. Jane is at ballet. I have to prepare food. Oh, what am I going to do?”

You would be surprised how many times, after a few minutes go by, John, (who overheard your conversation with the bear), will suddenly appear and say: “Mom, I heard you tell bear about your dilemma. I gave it some thought, and I decided I better call Joey and tell him I can’t come over because I’ve got to help my mom!” He realized it himself, grew in character, and will feel good about himself–all because you gave him the space to see it for himself.

In conclusion, boys need opportunities for work, for competition, and for sports. A boy needs to have something that he feels competent doing. If possible the activities should be real: not looking at pictures of hiking, but hiking; not just watching a movie about swimming, but really swimming. Most importantly, he needs opportunities to lead and make decisions. What better place to learn than at home under the wise and gentle tutelage of his parent?

Parenting — Comments Off
26
May 11

Eight Tips For Raising Intelligent Kids

Evidence from developmental psychology reveals that if we want our children to achieve their utmost potential, it is advisable to start when the brain functions are still developing at a fast pace. As early as possible, give them the required foundation, and they will never disappoint you. Unfortunately, many parents fail in their responsibility to give their children a great start early in life. Years later, it is the same parents that will complain of their children’s non-performance in school and life. The following tips will guide you in your quest towards giving your child a smart start in life.

1. Start as early as possible: Start now. Whatever stage of development your child is, start the process of maximizing his potential. If your child is still in the womb, perfect; if he has been born, great; if he is five years or even ten, good. You can still stretch him to unlimited brilliance, regardless of what stage of development he is in. Yours is to make the decision to take action about your child’s developing brain.

You are your child’s first teacher. Do not wait for your child to begin formal schooling before he experiences what it is to have a caring and loving teacher, ready to go the extra mile to help them achieve their learning goals. It is your responsibility to take on the role of a teacher as early as possible. Sit them down and impact knowledge about things around them.

2. Increase the number of stimuli you expose your child to. The more exposures to different activities, images, colors and places, the better. This will improve their intelligence in no time. Very soon, a pattern of what they have a knack for, will start emerging. That is the time to start focusing their attention in that direction and giving all the support required to maximize their potential.

3. Create connections for them to see: Always be available to tell your children something about what they are seeing for the first time. Relate it to what they already know. If you go to the ocean area, for instance, let them know that a good percentage of domestic salt comes from there. If you buy a ball, tell them the shape of the earth is like ball. Stimulate their creative juices by constantly telling them something new. Ask them questions to challenge their reasoning. You will be amazed at the natural brilliance of your child.

4. Make them see learning as fun. Children love to play. As much as possible, build play into their learning experience. Buy them educational toys and games. Whenever they achieve any learning outcome, make them play before leading them to another level. This will create reinforcement for learning. Soon, they will be the ones begging you to teach them.

5. Never underestimate the ability of your child. Most abilities of children are latent, especially when they have not yet started to speak. The truth is that children start to learn several skills like language, long before the actual manifestation of the skills. During their early days, start teaching them things like reading, eye-hand coordination and so on. You will be surprised at how fast they will master these skills. This is because children are starting on a clean slate. They do not have inhibitions from previous experiences. They can learn anything you teach them to learn, once they are motivated.

6. Look for opportunities to boost your child’s self-esteem. A critical factor in children development is their level of esteem. As much as possible, make your child realize that he has the potential to achieve anything. Look for small opportunities to praise efforts and tell them that they can do better, if they fail. Motivate them with stories of success; tell them about your personal encounters. Ask them about their experiences in school and re-assure them that they are loved, if they received any negative message in school.

7. Help your child learn how to make plans and set goals early in life. One of my managers used to tell us how he made it a norm for every of his child to set goals on a periodic basis and how he tracks their progress. In a short time, he had built this culture in them. Teach your child to set goals and make projections while he/she is still young. Monitor their progress and encourage them when they fall short. At the end of every period, be it weekly, monthly or yearly, celebrate the child’s achievements.

8. Make your child realize that mistakes are not bad. Failures are part of the learning experience. A failed trial is a pointer to another trial which may produce the desired result. Once your children become aware that they will not be scorned, beaten or shouted at for wrong attempts, they will explode into genius fast. A child that knows early in life that failure is only a postponed success will never give up trying.

Holidays — Comments Off
12
Feb 11

Christmas Self Esteem – Giving the Gift of Self Worth, Self Confidence and Self Respect!

Self-esteem is the collection of feelings or beliefs that we have about ourselves. How we define ourselves influences our motivations, attitudes, and behaviors and affects our emotional well being. Self-confidence, great relationships, and a good shot at success in whatever you attempt is the prize for self esteem. Now is the time to think about your overall self appraisal of your own self worth, self-confidence and self respect and how this influences your children and others around you and what you can do about it this Christmas season.

Having healthy self esteem will produce:

- Armor against life抯 challenges

- Feeling good about yourself

- Find it easier to handle conflicts and negative pressures

- More realistic approach to life

?Will look for solutions and have the ability to move forward rather than get stuck.

- Generally optimistic and will enjoy life more

Low self esteem produces:

- Challenges becoming sources of major anxiety and frustration

- Harder to find solutions to problems

- Produce critical thoughts such as 慖抦 not good enough? 慖抦 not loveable? 慖 always do things wrong? 憂obody cares about me?/p>

- Will belittle oneself for weaknesses rather than accept them eg. will say 慖抦 an idiot?rather than say 慖 don抰 understand?/p>

- Produce a passive, withdrawn or depressed state

- distorted perceptions of life

- can see temporary setbacks as intolerable and permanent

- a sense of pessimism predominates

Give the gift of fostering healthy self esteem in your child!

Know that low self-esteem begins in childhood and is the result of the actions and attitudes of significant older people around us. Don抰 program your children to feel less than wonderful about themselves. Here are a few great tips of how you can give and make a big difference:

  • Praise your child: especially for jobs well done and for their effort put in. Be mindful of your words, what you say and be truthful. Reward effort and completion rather than outcome. For example your child lost at basketball and didn抰 make the finals, say 憏ou didn抰 make the finals but I抦 proud of the effort you put in?rather than 憂ext time you抣l work harder and make it?
  • Be a positive role model & do not criticize even in jest. Ensure you develop and display healthy self esteem with your role modeling. You don抰 want your child to grow up mirroring adults with pessimistic or unrealistic expressions about abilities and limitations. For example, don抰 criticize find positive ways to address an issue. If you criticize chances are your child will grow up with a mate or boss who is constantly telling them what they do wrong because they have grown up believing it is ok for people to treat them that way and thus they allow it and attract it. Do not use demeaning nicknames in jest they are criticism and they damage self esteem.
  • Address irrational beliefs. It抯 important to not only identify unhealthy or inaccurate irrational beliefs but to redirect them. These beliefs may include issues around attractiveness, perfection and abilities. An example might be that your child is doing well at school generally yet is struggling with English. Your child might say things like 慖抦 not a good student?or 慖 can抰 do English? This is a generalization that is setting up the outcome for failure. You would redirect the child with something like 慪ou are doing well at school and you are a good student you just need to spend more time on the English subject and we can work on developing that?
  • Give spontaneous affection. Tell your child you are proud of him or her. Hug your child. Leave a note on their pillow 慖 think you抮e terrific?or 憏ou make a difference? A parent抯 love can support and boost a child抯 self esteem. Be mindful not to overdo it ?kids are good knowing when it抯 not honest.
  • Don抰 argue in front of your children. Exposing your child to repeated arguing and fighting may cause withdrawal and depression. Low self esteem will result from a child feeling unsafe or being abused at home. Respect your child by creating a safe, nurturing home environment.

Self esteem is not about bragging that you are the greatest or that you are perfect. Nobody is perfect but having healthy self esteem will result in you or your child knowing that you or he or she is worthy of being loved and accepted. Self esteem creates a belief in one抯 self and courage to try new things and the ability to make better choices about your mind and body rather than go along with crowd doing dumb or dangerous activities.

You抣l respect yourself even when you make mistakes because you will have a healthy and realistic view of your abilities and a situation. Because you respect yourself, others usually will too. Tips for gifting to yourself self esteem! You can help develop your self esteem, love and acceptance of yourself by focusing on the good things you do and all your great qualities. Here are a few suggestions that you can try to increase your self-esteem:

  • Choose your friends well. Choose to spend more time with people who help you feel good about yourself. Be in relationships that bring you up not drag you down.
  • Make a list of things you’re good at. It can be anything from cooking, sports, drawing, writing, singing or telling a good joke. Now add a few things to your list that you would like to be good at. Now make a plan as to how you could work on developing skills you will need to be good at what抯 on your list.
  • Give yourself a compliment a day. Find something you did during the day that was good. For example 慖 was a good listener today?or 慖 was a good friend to Johnny today?or 慖 made a good effort to complete my work today?strong>
  • Keep a journal of good things said about you. Studies have shown that people with low self esteem tend to forget or filter out information that counters ingrained negative beliefs. Having a journal your write down praise given to you will enable you to remember and acknowledge your real value.
  • Express gratitude daily. Before you go to bed every night think of at least one thing in your day that you are grateful for. It could simply your toothbrush because it gives you clean teeth and fresh breath! Start with small things and build on it each day.
  • Accept your body. Remind yourself that there are some things that are uniquely yours ? embrace them such as shoe size, skin color and height. Don抰 compare yourself with others just learn from them. If you are wanting a healthier body learn skills to improve your health and take up a physical activity. Acknowledge your body抯 strengths eg. I have strong legs, I can ride a bike really well.
  • Next negative thoughts and self critical remarks. Make a conscious effort to be aware of when a negative thought enters your mind. Stop it immediately and redirect yourself to healthier thoughts. Negative thoughts discourage and drag your self esteem down as does every time you make a self critical negative remark such as 慖抦 an idiot?you are reinforcing negative patterns in your brain that do not serve you.

Have a Self Esteem Christmas! Giving and Christmas always go hand in hand. So how about this Christmas you give self esteem as your gift this season! Here are a few suggestions:

- Send a self esteem Christmas card. Show your appreciation and thoughts by sending words of thanks, gratitude and acknowledgement of the person you are sending a Christmas card to in your greetings message. For example, thank friends for their friendship and smiling time spent together or if an employee, for their efforts and loyalty. The extra effort to acknowledge something personal and good about another goes a long way towards boosting anothers self esteem.

- Purchase self esteem presents. Think about your message and what kind of gift would go with it that would convey your words. Here are some examples – motivational books (to uplift and encourage) or a board games (great for sharing fun, smiles and memorable quality time together).

So now you know why you want to foster healthy self esteem in yourself and in your children and some tips to get you started. There is no better time to start than at Christmas, the time for giving and the time to give the life enhancing gift of self esteem!

Parenting — Comments Off
1
Nov 10

How to Help Children Build a High Self-Image

Wanting your kids to feel good about themselves is a universal wish of healthy parents. And when children have medical issues, it is even more important that they have a high self-image because it impacts their self-care.

Some parents easily raise kids that have a high self-image and excel in self-care. And some try very hard and yet their children are whiney, negative, non-compliant about medical treatment regimens and feel bad about themselves. What’s the difference?

Let first look at some of the things that don’t work to build a “good self- image”:

1. Praising children when they have actually done a mediocre or poor job and hoping that encourages them to do better.

2. Not correcting children because the parent is concerned about “inhibiting” them or “damaging” their self-esteem.

3. When children are ill, it is very easy for a family to become completely “child centered.” We have interviewed teens with cystic fibrosis who related to us that in childhood they believed that they were definitely the most important person in the home.

Now why don’t these things work? Many have a gut feeling that they should. Where do they go wrong? All of those responses are built on a parent not taking good care of him or herself in a loving (but not selfish) way.

In the first example, when a parent tells a child that he’s done great when the fact is the job has not been done well, the child knows the parent is lying. And worse yet, has to lie to make the child feel good about himself. Instead of praising a child for a job well done (that wasn’t really) use encouragement: “Robert, I’m sure that a smart little kid like you will massively improve if you decide to put in a little more effort.”

In the second example, when children are not corrected for misbehavior, they feel empowered to misbehave. And, they lose respect for the adults who are not responsive to the situation. On a deeper sense, entitled children feel fragile. Sadly, they believe (as do the parents) that they don’t have the fortitude to cope with correction and consequences.

In completely child-centered homes, the adults come second, by definition. In such homes, the children may be quite demanding and appear to have a high self- image but in fact often don’t. Deep down inside, children identify with the adults in their lives; they learn from their models how to treat others and themselves. So, some kids raised in child-centered homes will come to put themselves last and allow others to walk all over them. Others will simply remain unpleasant to be around even into adulthood. Their obnoxiousness stems from a deep fear that no one will really want to pay attention to them if they aren’t demanding. Obnoxious behavior and being a doormat are not character traits associated with high self-esteem!

So, take good care of yourself. Put yourself first in a loving way and don’t tolerate incessant, obnoxious behavior. Use encouragement, not praise. Raise kids who know how to set healthy boundaries because they saw you do it. Your children will be more likely to have a high self- image, better self-care and will treat you with respect.

Parenting — Comments Off
30
Aug 10

Praise With Impact

Praising and encouraging kids can be difficult for many people. It just doesn抰 come naturally. They are hard-wired for criticism rather than praise.

Some children, particularly boys, feel awkward receiving praise unless it is done carefully. It can be misconstrued as being manipulative and not genuine, particularly when it is simply a throw-away line. Praise can become meaningless for some kids unless it is done with a little thought and care.

There are three types of praise that have positive impact on children抯 (as well as adults? behaviour and self-esteem.

1. Descriptive praise: Throw a spotlight on the behaviours that kids do well. Rather than a trite 憌ell done?draw a word picture of what they did well and let them know its impact. Tell them what you see and how you feel. 揥ow. You have tidied the room really well and put everything back where it should be. It抯 a pleasure to come into the living room.? Such comments genuinely made become stored in their bank of skills and builds up their confidence.

Private praise is more effective than public praise for boys as they can become embarrassed being praised in front of their friends or relatives.

Use for: keeping house rules, changing poor behaviour (when combined with ignoring some of their poor behaviour)

2. Summary praise: Give your child a positive label to live up to by summing up their positive behaviours with one word. 揧ou really worked hard to finish your project. That抯 what I call persistence.?揧ou cleaned up the kitchen without being told. You are a self-starter.?Persistence and self-starter become part of your children抯 ICRS (Internal Character Reference System).
Use for: kids who lack confidence, kids of all ages but particularly those under 10 as they really use parents as reference points

3. Self-praise: Praise is always bit more powerful when it comes from yourself so allow children to brag a little. 揑 did that well.?揑 am really pleased with the way I did that.?揑 did the best I could.?揑 love the art I did at school today.?Teaching kids to self-praise can be a little tricky but you can start by asking them how they feel about their efforts. When you use descriptive feedback you actually show kids how to self-praise.

Some kids need to be cued regarding self-praise -揂re you pleased with yourself because you tried your best in the game??Encourage them to say they are pleased with themselves rather than just agree with you. This gets them in the habit of self-praise.

Use for: kids who always want your reassurance, use for children抯 efforts rather than behaviour

There are plenty of people in your child抯 life who are critical of them ?including their peers and maybe siblings. It is a parent抯 job to tell kids what is right about them, so spend a little time telling kids what you see and feel when they do something well. Make up positive labels that they can add to their Internal Character Reference Systems and encourage them to brag a little when they have done something well..

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16
Aug 10

Parenting – What You Do That Sabotages Your Child’s Success Without You Knowing It

This article is not meant for the weak of heart. It is for those few parents who really want to give their children real advantages and real self-esteem. It is written for those parents who are willing to look at how their parenting can unknowingly be harming their child’s self-esteem. It is written for those parents who want to help their child win, be happy and flourish.

Most parents think that they can influence their child’s confidence by giving their child lots of praise, but the real truth is what truly enables a child to learn what self-esteem and confidence is, is to watch a parent demonstrate it for them.

As a child, there is an unconscious learning process that takes place by observing parents and others, called modeling. It is when your child watches what you do and models the behavior you exhibit. Your child watches you all the time. In fact young children often imitate and emulate what it is their parents say and do, even the physical actions of that parent. By doing this they learn how to act, be and function in the world.

Your child is around your self-esteem level everyday, all the time and your child believes that how you feel about yourself is the standard in the world. If you put yourself down, your child learns to make negative self-comments too. If you are a complainer then chances are they are going to be a complainer too. If you have limited negative thinking this too is what they learn.

This is important to understand as a parent because every thought you think has a chemical feeling behind it. For example you think a happy thought and you feel happy. You think a sad thought and you feel sad. Are you teaching your child to have predominantly happy thoughts, sad thoughts, angry thoughts, or worrisome thoughts by your modeling it for them?

How your child habitually thinks will determine the outcome he has for the rest of his life or until your child intentionally changes it. Are you sabotaging your child’s possibilities because you have a bad attitude and unknowingly are teaching this bad attitude habit to your child?

You teach your children what attitude to have in the world by modeling your attitude for them. Is it time for you to change your thinking? Do you need an attitude adjustment? Are you positive and upbeat, so your children learn to be? Do you see opportunities so your children see opportunities? Do you worry about life and money modeling and teaching that behavior to your child? Do you have power thinking or do you have quitter mentality? Are you solution oriented or a “sky is falling thinker?” The term is “monkey see, monkey do.” I do not like the use of the word monkey, so, your child sees, your child does.”

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10
Mar 10

Building Self Esteem Among Children – Become A Better Parent

We all believe that having a family that is spouse and kids is so wonderful. You start weaving big dreams for your child right from the day he/she is born. But just giving them food & clothing does not make you a good parent. You can spend money on your child endlessly but it is far more important to invest your time & emotions in them.

The children are like an encyclopedia of questions and you must face all their queries carefully else you might crop in some devilish idea in to their li’l but very mysterious minds.

One of the most important aspects of parenting is to build a self esteem in your child. This way, you child would be able to achieve success in regards of life, irrespective of the field they opt to go for.

Here are some phenomenon & facts as defined by the expert psychologists about building self esteem among children:

1. It is an undeniable fact that until & unless one love themselves to the extent that they realize their strengths & weaknesses & can use these at their best, the individuals can never become successful.

2. In order to live a long & happy life one must have complete trust on them selves and their capabilities.

3. At the end, all these factors turn out to be the ingredients of having contented & full fledged life.

4. The experts have long debated results on the fact that where & how exactly self esteem in the child comes from. While some psychologists are of the view that it is the function of one’s personality that you usually acquire from both the parents. That is, the confident parents generally have confident kids.

5. However, there are psychologists who deny the theory given above and do not believe that genetic play absolutely any role in this regard. They believe that self esteem & confidence are a function of chance. They believe that some people are just born with that high self-esteem and others are born to have low ranges, quite like the intelligence quotients in the individuals.

6. Another very interesting and diversified view on this issue is that self esteem & confidence in a person are defined by their immediate environment & the circumstances. Your personal experience, choice of friends, parental practices, and the discovery of talents are key factors determining the development of one’s self-esteem.

7. The personal experiences of any individual depend on many further facts like:
a. In the form they face the bullying in the school.
b. Their inter-actions in the social group.

The children who have suffered much bullying tend to have a lower self esteem. Similar things apply with the children who remain outside the social group.

8. Another factor that primarily defines the level of development of self esteem in the kids is their parental practice.
a. The kind of examples the parents discuss before the child or the examples they set, influence his thoughts to a great deal.
b. For instance, a child whose parents always make him take his/her decisions all by himself/herself and they trust his decisions would tend to have a very high self esteem inn the long run.
c. As compared to the over protected children and those who are quite coddled by the parents, such kids would have quite better confidence in themselves.
d. The parents who behave very strict with the child or those who make their child feel helpless, their kids are often not able to make their own decisions with confidence.
e. Hence, the parents must watch their behavior with their kids & also what examples they are setting before their children.

9. The social group & friends that the child chooses for himself / herself also plays a major role in developing their personality.
a. In case you become a part of a group that embraces you individuality in all respects & respects their personal opinions as well, this would definitely have a very positive impact on the growth of your confidence & self esteem.
b. Actually the rapid contrast with your social group puts you down as the person.
c. Having a good social group also cushions you against the various threats of the outside forces that you think would destroy and / or lower your self-esteem.

10. Cliques so play a major role as well. In case you are one among the popular of the high school, it strengthens your ego more as compared to the other groups that are ostracized.

11. In case you have some talent or ability that makes you ahead of the crowd, it serves as a strong tool to build your self esteem & confidence.
a. It helps you offer something to the world that they can admire.
b. This admiration would build more trust & confidence of yours on your individuality.
c. The affirmations, accolades & admiration are often treated some great ego boosts for the individuals at all ages.
d. This proves why the people who become personalities owing to their own talents possess a very high self-esteem as compared to the others.

12. Anyways, self esteem must be alive in your personality in all parlance of the life.
a. For instance, you must be a hero for the school circle, but in your other social inter-actions you fail to utter a single word.
b. The fact is that there are just a few individuals who succeed in achieving that apt & right balance of their self-esteem unanimously in all the walks of life.

Abhishek is a Self-Development expert and he has got some great Self-Esteem Boosting Secrets up his sleeves! Download his FREE 52 Page Ebook, “How To Boost Your Self-esteem” from his website http://www.Positive-You.com/668/index.htm. Only limited Free Copies available.

Parenting — Comments Off
16
Feb 10

What Do Successful Kids Really N-E-E-D?

Hundreds of times I’ve been asked questions after talk shows or speaking events about what it takes to set up a child to win at life. Basically people were asking for a step by step guidebook on how to meet the needs of a child, while leading them toward a life of early success instead of long term failure. It’s a great question, but since every child is different and every family has to overcome various challenges at different stages of life, there isn’t a 100% time tested answer to that question. That’s not bad news, it’s just life, but there is some good news if you want a sure bet solution to create strong and healthy kids; which comes from the advice that psychologist James Dobson told me once, “no matter how hard you try, your kids could still break all the rules and break your heart in the process- so stay on your knees and pray hard!”

Here’s a simple parenting formula that can help you to set your kids up to grow, mature and develop greater strength at any stage of life. I call it the N.E.E.D. Formula because it spells out the word n.e.e.d. with the four key parenting strategies necessary to bring positive change to the children or teens in your life. Another important element is that the N.E.E.D. Formula will keep you on track as a balanced parent committed to bringing out the best in your kids without overindulging, over-protecting or over-controlling your children.

Here are the four essential parenting strategies your child needs to succeed.

N- Nourish

This includes parenting a child through all of the basics required to survive on this planet; including, providing food, shelter, clothing, shoes, grooming supplies and training in how to do everything from dressing yourself, tying your own shoes, brushing your own teeth and knowing how to take care of your body with healthy food choices, hydration and getting enough sleep. Add to these basic elements of parenting basic medical and dental care as required by the needs of the child and you have the first category required to raise healthy children. .

- When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of Safety

E- Encourage

This is the ’soft love’ that children need to experience so often, which includes hugs, tickles, giggles, praise, ‘atta-boy’s or atta-girl’s’, kisses and lots of unconditional acceptance expressed verbally, like ‘I love you no matter what” especially when a child may be facing a difficult time or trying to recover from a painful experience or rejection.

- When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of Security

E- Equip

This is the ‘hard love’ that is most simply expressed through the word ‘no’. When a child begins to respect their parents, and really listens to the advice, counsel and direction provided by their mom and dad they begin the process of becoming equipped with incredible character qualities like self-discipline, self-control, responsibility and an understanding of boundaries, consequences and taking ownership for their behavior by being accountable to the authority sources in their life. (Like parents, grandparents, teachers and law enforcement officers.)

- When this need is met a child develops confidence and Strength

D- Develop

Perhaps the most overlooked element in this process, because many parents forget that that their role of being a mommy or daddy isn’t forever. The goal is to raise children to become strong young people to then launch them out into the world and let them go to live their own lives. (Or as a popular song lyric says, ‘Give them roots and give them wings’).

This area includes coaching, guiding, educating, creating learning experiences, providing classes, training or growth events that nurture and develop the basic strengths of that child to become the man or woman they were designed them to be.

-When this need is met a child experiences early Success

Now, let’s get personal – if you are gutsy, score yourself on a scale of 1-25, (25 is the highest), in each category to see how you are doing as a parent. Most parents do a great job in the N and E of the formula, but then begin to drop off on the second E and often get so busy that they never do much with the final D part of the formula at all. If a child has too many things provided for them, they don’t mature on track which can lead to falling way behind their peers in terms of becoming independent thinkers and self-reliant young adults.

Once you have identified the gaps in your own parenting style I challenge you to take positive action to work on your parenting approach so can you get better results with your kids at this stage of life. If you see one of the four key areas that are scored at 12 or below, then you may want to do some research to discover more specific ways to help your child be your best in those categories. If you are below a 5 in a particular category you may want to seek some professional guidance to maximize your potential as a parent in every area of your child’s life.

Fighting back against the two biggest roadblocks to raising strong kids

Here are a few other key strategies that may help you bring out the best in your kids every day since I want you to have the best tools and resources possible to help your son or daughter be their best. Do this by overcoming the two biggest obstacles that tend to ’steal’ your kids away from your parental influence. Those categories are Peers and Media. Solve this by using the strategies below to build stronger connections with their peers, then learning how to make positive connections in their choices of media and finally aggressively building on the natural strengths of your child.

1) Connection to a peer with similar values.

Battle back against negative peers by guiding your child toward peers with similar personality and similar family backgrounds and then nurture your child’s relationship with those positive peers. Sheila and I have rescheduled vacations, holidays and other planned family gatherings to make sure that our kids were able to experience every healthy relationship experience possible. Does that mean we are ‘meddling’ behind the scenes to get a more favorable outcome- you bet! Remember, it only takes one good friend in childhood or the turbulent teen years who can talk you out of making a bad decision, or one bad friend who can take you down. Peers have more power than parents at different stages, so take every action you can to point them toward positive role models and toward building healthy relationships today.

Peers are the #1 influencer during middle and high school so if you aren’t sure how to find healthy kids for your children to connect with, then remember to check out their friends from school or church groups, sports, or perhaps your child could make a great connection through someone they might meet in a specialty camp, like YMCA swimming lessons, Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, or speciality camps like Joe White’s incredibly effective sports program called Camp Kanakuk.

2) Connection to positive media with a message they really relate to.

Find great movies that teach a life lesson, (Films like “Facing the Giants” or “Meet the Robinsons”), powerful songs or fun TV shows that teach an important message – like FOX’s hit TV show- “Are you smarter than a 5th grader”, which is a combination between “Who wants to be a millionaire” & “Jeopardy”. It’s a fun way to connect as a family because it shows that very bright 5th graders are very often smarter than ‘average’ adults in academic subjects so it’s a fun way to get everyone in the family involved in learning the basic facts of science, math or literature.

Another strategy to utilize is to consider how adding DVR or Tivo, (which is an add-on to your cable service and may require a new box), because this technology allows you to auto save the programs you want, and save time by fast forwarding past the commercials. This also gives you the power to pick whatever television shows your family can benefit from so they can watch things that empower, educate and inform when it’s most convenient, and gives you total parental control of the advertising messages they are exposed to.

Check out other great resources to help you find the best media fit for your child, like the Parents Television Council. http://www.parentstv.org/, the National Institute on Media and the Family, http://www.mediafamily.org/, or The Dove Foundation, (which reviews music, films and television), http://www.dove.org/.

3) Personality is the third factor, which is to find your child’s passion, (strength), as early as possible.

If someone is in love with piano, diving, golf, martial arts, small business, film, cartooning, tennis, skiing, newspaper, art, baseball, football, volunteering at the rescue mission, or FFA, it gives them valuable experience in the areas that they are best suited for, while protecting them from the dark side of culture reflected in the old saying, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”

I can still vividly remember how my parents guided me during my middle teen years with seeking out opportunities for me to do volunteer work at media stations. My early experiences at WDBO-AM, WFTV-TV9/ABC, WTLN-AM and WMFE-TV24/PBS created a love for communicating through media that lives on to this day. Media communication experiences in my middle teen years led to the desire to learn how to be a public speaker through joining the speech club, Toastmasters International, (www.toastmasters.org/) after high school. My parents wisely planted seeds during my childhood years that have grown into a lifetime of positive career experiences working in the field of communications by God’s grace.

(Side note: If your child struggles with school work or test anxiety, I highly recommend the insightful book by Dr. Mel Levine on the unbelievable challenges that face kids during the middle school years through high school, “Ready or Not, here life comes” or the wealth of information on learning style differences available at his excellent website, [http://www.AllKindsofMinds.com] which shows how to bring out the best in kids that don’t fit the ‘cookie cutter’ system of education used in many places. One size may fit all in flip-flops but it doesn’t work with children, so search until you find the role models and resources that will help you to best help your child).

Once you know what your child’s passion and strengths are – then actively get involved in building their confidence by developing those strengths by studying the lives of positive role models your child can identify with, or by finding private lessons to help them best utilize their skills, talents and natural abilities, or through summer camps. For instance if your child loved the ocean, consider Camp Sea World, where kids and parents actually do overnight camping in the park next to the Killer whales; or if a child is older they could attend the week long intensive programs offered by Sea World during the summer months and then come home and tell you all about what they learned as they begin to stretch their wings to fly away from home for a little while at this stage, to eventually soar out into the world as a confident young person.

Taking positive action now by planting seeds of greatness inside your son or daughter and then watering and developing those seeds to meet your child’s N.E.E.D.’s in a powerful way will set your kids up to win, and when they experience success early in life so do you! Do whatever you can now to help your kids with the N.E.E.D. Formula because the clock is ticking and you don’t get any time back. Remove any roadblock that keeps you from being the best mom or dad that you can be and do it today!

Listen to the words of noted author C.S. Lewis, who said, “Good and evil both increase at compound interest. This is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance.” This is your time to step up to make a positive difference in the life of your kids, so I hope that you will be challenged to meet their N.E.E.D.’s in a new way. Who knows, one day I may get to rejoice along with you as your child experiences early success because of your wise influence as the most important person on the planet to them. Between now and “launch time”- know that you are not alone in the journey and that there are people who will help you past the rough spots with your kids and even more who will cheer as your son or daughter experiences early success in the future from the seeds you planted in their lives today.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information intact in the box below.

About the Author: Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Critical Incident Stress Management expert with the Orange County Sheriffs Office, founder of StormStress.com and trainer for over 1,500 business groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress- both personally & professionally. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with corporations and organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by strategically solving problems at http://www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Parenting — Comments Off
3
Feb 10

Parenting Good Behavior – How to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem – 5 Secret Tips

Most people think that they can influence their child’s confidence by giving them lots of praise, but the real truth is what truly enables a child to utilize opportunities and feel confident is the ability to think in ways that see opportunity so that your child can seize the opportunity. This has been called possibility thinking. It trains the brain to look for possibilities vs. limitations.

Raising your child with a high degree of self-esteem helps insure that your child can utilize these advantages or possibilities. Most importantly though, is how you train your child’s mind to think and speak. This will be the largest contributor to your child’s success. As a child, there is an unconscious learning process that takes place by observing parents and others, called modeling. It is when your child watches what you do and models the behavior you exhibit.

How you model your personal behavior in situations both stressful and nonstressful is how children learn to deal with the world on a daily basis. In a stressful situation if you personally are a quitter, I do not care how smart your child is or how good their grades are, they will also learn a pattern of quitting by observing you model quitting in daily life.

If you unconsciously seek validation from others, your child will learn, by you modeling it to them, that validation from outside yourself is a must have and then go seek it from their peers. If you model self-command to them, then they too will learn self-command.

If you model fear during a crisis, your children unconsciously learn how to have the same toxic thinking pattern you do. Children learn limited negative or possibility thinking from you and your daily actions because it is the only example that is being modeled to them in that moment.

Parents play a big role in the development of their child’s ability to think in daily life. Whether they learn negative or power thinking habits depends on what you allow daily in your house and what you model for them.

As a parent you are the class room of life. Children learn your thinking style and habits. As a parent, it matters what behavior you model to them every day. In the real world you must model true, authentic self-esteem, not a false sense of self-esteem, if you want them to learn and have it.

Here are 5 steps to modeling successful behaviors to your children

Parents, model desired behavior

You can not expect your child to do what you are unwilling to do. If you do not want them to develop certain habits, you must make sure that you do not model those habits and behaviors for them.

Parents, examine your thinking and speaking habits.

There are six deadly accepted limited thinking and speaking habits that can sabotage your success and your child’s success forever if it continues going unnoticed. You must learn what they are and avoid using any one of them. This will help ensure your child’s future success habits.

Parents, stop the continued daily usage of limited negative thinking.

Even in the smallest amounts limited negative thinking destroys your child’s aspirations and yours before they even begin. Not understanding what limited thinking really is can allow you to use it all the time without you knowing it. Learn what limited thinking and speaking habits you use.

Parents, learn and model self command.

Self-command is the ability to take action in a direction and maintain a powerful level of excitement, focus and drive to complete the task. Learn to drive your own personal power then model it for your children and your children will naturally develop this powerful tool to help them succeed in their daily activities. This will give your child the edge in life. It teaches your child strong leadership skills

Parents, understand the plays in your play book.

Every family has a play book that they use to play the game of life. When you understand what plays you and your child have in the family play book, you can find the plays that have been used to sabotage results and replace them with plays that produce desired results.

Parents, modeling desired behavior for your children helps them develop into strong adults with strong self-command and self-esteem. Your child will watch you. What you do, your children will do. Teach them how to have the life of their dreams, by you having and modeling the life of your dreams.

Vickie Jimenez is the author of “Champagne thoughts and Caviar power The Science of Results Oriented Thinking” and has over 20 years in the Personal Development field. She is an expert in personal and business mind set performance as well as work environment management. She is a speaker, corporate trainer and the CEO of Success Systems Seminars. She teaches companies and individuals how to raise accountability and performance through self-command. increasing production, revenues, culture, sales and career satisfaction. To learn more visit http://successsystemsnow.com